High

It gets u closed to your emotional self.

You live your life running from realities. Drowning in the quagmire of FB, net, news... work... unreal.. madeup.. plastic...

And then it gets u closer to what you wanted. What you wanted to be. What you are. What was lost. What you are still losing.


Its crazy romantic silly emotional funny teary all at the same time.







Makes you wonder if goals are everything. If people are everything. If friends mean anything...

Its selfishness... narrow self importance.... emptiness..


its a romance.

My life story.

"Unable to excel, I tried to affect a kind of louche, bohemian indifference to "the system"; but I was never cut out to be a decadent either, and only succeeded in making the leap from quietly anonymous to ostentatiously pitiable.  " - anon user about his life experiences on Quora.

My life story. Except that from being  ostentatiously pitiable i slouched myself in to being quietly anonymous... and then in to a nobody without interests or ambition..

democracy-kleptocracy

I read somewhere long back that the society cycles in a chain of systems from monarchy to oligarchy to democracy to autocracy (not in any order). It cycles not because of the deficiencies of the system, but deficiency of humans. We fuck the system up. Like a child running for the toys, we run from one system to other through ages and then at the end fuck the system we adopt and we keep goin round n round, without improving us! (I beleive that's one of the reasons scriptures and all the wisdom of the world highlights to the importance of morality)

To get to the point, i often find myself in this mental quagmire, this hopelessness of living in this kleptocratic, this corrupt, this sick system, where everyone loots.From MP's to MLA's to corporators to office bosses.. just everyone. Every other day, the news of these neta's looting by the thousand of crores just makes me wonder, am i the biggest loser trying to save up on those 100 rupee notes here and there, justifying to myself to use of money as a utility and not as an enabler of easy. Neta's building palaces, corrupt colluding corporate's and their loser progeny enjoying the silver spoon. These reservationist babu kids living an insured-overprotected life from birth to pension of their sarkari job's in their accounts till their last breath. And i just feel sick thinking about those maoists, fighting these crooked neta's day light banditry on their land, their resources.  And i see just how, there's no escape. No transition to communism or oligarchy or autocracy could ever save us. Without morals, nothing works. And hopelessness pushes in to depression, on my own lack of morality. What about my own discipline? my own righteousness? Who am i accusing? 

I don't know what to make of it. I kind of cycle in emotions of chauvinistic-love and despondent-hate. I read of army and ideals and morals only to discover how corrupt army is. How hollow ideals become in face of human depravity. And weakness of morality, something that is just so easy to transcend in to the doom of hubris. Something we (i) do for a fickle! 

Slick

I have never pulled off somethin so slick.. like ever in my life. Ever.


It was stupid. It was foolish. It burned my hard earned money.
Yet through a slick move, i just recovered whatever i could, from a near lost investment.
Bloddy hell! i feel confident every living hour since ive pulled it off.

If ever something positive come out of it... i will make the post public of what it was, which is not at this point of time.

May the prayers be answered. Amen.

orchard road

So there i was, in Singapore, on Orchard road. The prim and proper, uber cool, ulta expensive, high end road of the rich. Mall after Malls selling ONLY designer labels. No place for even a decent high end brand. No Nike shoes. No Louis Philippe shirts. No Giordano. No sir.Nothing to shop (well i did want to buy some watches, lest i had a few hundred thousand $'s to spare :P ). I was alone. Bored. and pretty much out of ideas. I dont do this often (okay, sometimes i do), but i ended up following people here and there.


Saw a lot of things today. An arab man of 50's may be 60's walking around (flauting?) his wife of 20's. Followed him(her?) around for some time as they hopped from one designer label to another. Then i stalked a Punjabi family. Aunty ji , Uncle ji and Bahu rani (:P). I know she was the bahu, for i had seen the entire family of five last evening at the skypark, Marina Bay Sands. That time they were wondering how they could go up to the pool area (reserved only for bay sands guests), with their 20$ tickets.


Aunty ji: "Assi udhar kyun ji jande.. kaafi vadiya dikh rya sii~"


They were probably the proverbial delhi/punjabi rich, but i guess, owing up some designer labels was proving too much for them. They ended up in some coffee store, sipping. I left em.
Discovered then, this amazing amazing CD shop. So kitsch, so upmarket and yet so accessible and open. "That CD shop". Loved the music, whateve they were playing. Found a swiss chocolate store. Bought some Swiss chocolates, the only thing affordable i could find.


Legs were tired, yet i wandered on. Following this awesome looking chink aunty. That aunty was rich! i tell you. I could literally smell the brands. Miu-miu clutch. Some awesome perfume. And a man, who did NOT look like her frnd/relative carrying all the bags. She reached the door and there came the chauffeur with her Jaguar (nice choice). She left. So did i.
Little India i went. Hopping at little India and shopping at Mustafa. A delectable north Indian dinner ensued.

serendipity

Truth be told... I have an elephant in the room.

Well, actually its a lady miss. And she is in the other room. She is here cause she has run out of an abode to live, this (un)fine evening. And will be staying on for a few days.
Its actually a little weird. I have shared my pigeon hole of a studio apartment with my mom for 20 days. Dodo was here too.
But this is weird. I barely know her. And while she sleeps, i am feeling weird every second. I have tried to make her comfortable, and i hope she ain't feeling weird.


***
So that brings me to child abusers. :P

Well, not exactly again, but its kinda related. Lemme explain how. Ive always felt this thing to return the favor. Its kind of innate... you know.. it just feels natural to feel like it. Its like, if ive been treated in a certain way, good or bad, i try to return back the same, to people, and to society in general.
(Btw, this is something of a very common patter that child abusers also seem to have. Usually they themselves are unfortunate to have been mistreated in their childhood.. weird correlation, i know.)

I was given a second chance in life, once by my dad. To drop and year and pursue my dream. It probably changed my life. And now that second chance is very part of me. I often try to correlate situations and circumstances, with other people, which call for a second chance. I am more than willing to give people, related or unrelated that chance. Its just the way i feel. I got my second chance. And i want noone else to be left out.

A few months back, i was out of shelter myself. Ditched by flatmates, i was about to be flatless and homeless. And out of blues, friends (Rohit & Harish) welcome with open arms and doors, at their place. I move in, stay with em for some time. Probably the greatest help at the time, i can think of. And when the lady miss, had this place problem, i was kinda confused. I absolutely dint knew about her. (seriously!.. you know.. thoughts of landlord... and rape allegations :P... what not...). But this thing of being shelter-less. I had been in that situation. Its uncomfortable and a damn pain. I am glad to be of help. A favor that frnds did to me. I am giving back. Kind of my lil way to keep the balance of universe.

DO NOT SPIRIT BOMB

Shit hits the fan, for absolutely no reasons. Stupidity i can say, this time.

There are these microbial termites or some bug that's on the underside of my wooden table. Its kinda eating it up and powdery stuff keeps falling off. And am so sick of it. And that fateful thought... i thought, must do something!

So off  i went and bought half liter of paint thinner (i guess it kinda kill those wood bugs, read somewhere) .
And on my quixotic attempt to rid the table of bugs, i poured the entire contents of the bottle on table wood... only to realize that ITS WAS THEN that shit hit the fan...

Table was in my living room and... The entire house has acquired this thinner smell... and the more i inhale it... it make me drowsy and nauseated and funny!

My house is transformed in to a chemical factory in a matter of minutes... its been 6 hours, the smell aint gone!!!!

F*88!

A train of thoughts..

Gawd, i love train journeys. Long train journeys. Ive grown up in train journeys. Hyderabad to patna. Delhi to patna. Delhi to tinsukia. Delhi to Chennai.
General, sleeper, first class(these are ones where it isnt AC but a comparmenet has gates AC 1st class style, i think then dont have em now on trains), 3rd AC, 2nd AC, Rajdhani, Shatabdi.. ive done it all.Travelling back from Bangalore to Delhi, in a train, after more than an year, it feels like home coming. Just feels so great.
Been there, done that.

The train journey's are awesome. The best part is the night. It gets friggin absolutely pitch black. Cherry on the cake...what i see out of the window right now, is straight out some movie scene... It gets occasionally illuminated by thunders, tearing through the sky. Cant hear em, but see the landscape, i can.
Passed an empty fucking station, a few minutes back.. and it was so awesome. Not a soul. No station name. Not even a dog. Just illuminated empty station. Haunted? :-O
Feilds... mountains.... plateau.. ravines... towns... hutments.. chai... if once craves to go out.. see India... travel trains. You get every thing wholesale.

I regret the taste of luxury, naah, this dependency on luxuries, i seem to have depend on.. AC kind of seprates you from what awesomness trains
actually are. The sealed windows are like prisons. Sleeper class.. night time... your head resting on the window grills.... I dunno, i cant describe a more
liberating feeling. I cant decribe in words the way you can see the world sitting on the coach gates of a speeding train.. crossing a river bridge.
The sight of river waters, beneath your feet... seperated by the rails and towers of the bridge.

Adios... its getting late.. and i wonder, what mobile bill am going to blow up, for this internet on train..

alive

Its been so long since i wrote something. Mostly cause the fountain of words just stopped. Tried last few times, but the words wont just come out. And the other times, it just felt stupid writing it all up. Personal. Stupid. Open.
Even now its really hard. I dunno what the purpose of this blog is and why i just don't delete it. Is it about specifics, or the bigger picture or a personal diary. The posts that i wrote sound so stupid and senseless and boring. Any-case i don't read them. And i cant even if i try to.
May be its the memories. May be the sacrosanct college-life connection, when even stupid was innocent and acceptable.

Life has changed. And so has its meaning. The dawn of college ending has given way to the sunshine of professional life. Sometimes, warm and a lot of times scorching. Days pass like they used to in college, as purposelessly now, as they were in college, only in a more meaningless and lifeless way. I float around in office, flounder on the weekends and alone in evenings. I cook clean and lay around in a bachelor-pad that ive come to call home.

Life is boring,dull and lifeless. And days just pass. Still alive though. 

Patna

Gawd! the artsy me is back.. in bits & pieces. Thats something to be positive about. I am reading a novel and am hell bent on finishing it. I search music, try new songs... and repeat the ones i find ad-infinitum, till i can hear em no more. I click pictures and a whole lots of em. Movies are to the bare minimum & so are the serials.  The very fact that i gathered courage to write a blog post confirms the same.

Other than that, Patna tour has crushed my hopes of MBA. I dunno, i am not doing good in procs.. and i have just eaten and slept last few days.. read 300 pages of A fine balance... listened to songs &blah-blah(ed) with relatives in festivities. Gained 2 Kg's :(

A challenging time waits ahead for me in Bangalore. Finding a new home. Exams. New Assignments at work. Life's changed.


**************

Btw this song(princess of china)... gawd! this song is awesome!  the parts where rihanna sings..

"Cause you really hurt me
No you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
No you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
Ooooooooh no you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
Ooooooooh no you really hurt me...."


are so so... close to touching the heart... the encore is just painful. Brings out memories seldom remembered, the dead & buried...

The show goes on...

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rmp6zIr5y4U&ob=av3e)

Its been over an year now, since on a breezy cool Friday evening i landed up in Bangalore, unsure of the forthcoming. Gladly was in purple haze the very next day, boozing away to glory. Times spent have been... of all things... fresh... Every other Saturday night was another benchmark of awesomeness to be breached the very next. Pubs, restaurants, weekend out's ... gawd! i have cribbed so much over the beauty of the life in college, only to look back now and face a year spent doing things, i imagined were never to be in my life. From foreign trip to car trip. Drunken New year Party to Friday Horror nights.

I miss ppl from college. I miss college. I miss home. But i have AP & Nig for the partners in crime.And life's still a whole lot fun & new things every other WEEKEND.

Need to find new things for the weekdays.... The show goes on...

the roller coaster

Lifes a roller coaster. Takes you on a ride. And if you've ever been on one, then you know!

You start off slow. Then there's this slow ascent taking you to a high point. While reaching the high-point, being there on the high-point, there's always this fear. The thoughts... "Whoa! i should never have been here!" "ah! i am taking this ride cause of this idiot, who forced me to accompany"... "never again! never again!"

And before you know it, you are going down, real fast. real real fast. The G's pulling up on you! The fear- all getting real.... And finally the low. Theres nothing that the ride can do to you now, when you get there. Its gone! the fear! The worse! Youve seen it! It was the fall that was scary. The transition. Now the low.

Then on, its a ride up! any movement only takes you high. The exhilaration,of rising up. Sometimes we forget it was that very fear of going down that caused this exhilaration of climbing up again. & sometimes when we do, its what we call "nostalgia".

Lifes on that high point now. I am going to go down. I was rising up all along. This is the high point for this cascade. Will go down, and will again rise up! Up! Up! so high....

(pic: The T-express, everland, Korea)

http://idongiveashit.blogspot.com/

Aweomeness is Back!

i shall let the pics do the talking...

Specs

Dell XPS with 2 gb Nvidia Geforce 540M + 6gb Ram + Core i5 sandybridge processOr

Cooler master Ergo Stand

Altec Lasnsing Octave 7 - 2.1

Frontech Mechanical Keyboard

logitech wireless mouse

GAME ON!

Thanks

I remember a day, when all hope was lost.

Life was sad, glum.. on a train, returning back... scared... but without a choice... no where to go...

i dunno what would've happened, had he not trusted in me. Well i could not muster enough confidence to trust in my own self...

But like a movie climax, on that sad, gloomy evening, on a train, while the sun set.... i was given hope.. He said he trusted in me & would like me to try again & not loose hope.

It changed everything.

Thanks for trusting in me, Dad! I haven't done as good as you expected, but hopefully i will do better.

I remember to this day & probably will, all life long.

longing..

Come with me tonight, this feelings i hide...

spinning inside....
Take me to a place... our bodies go fly...
I get high................ sky.....

************************************************

just when things go all right.... i got frnds in korea now... real deal... gems they are... all drunked up.. enjoying... movies.. sightseeing... games... endless chatter.... all the good life... and then it friggin ends!

Crap! X-(

Sigths Smells & Sounds (part 1)

Having spent more than 40 days in korea, life is more or less settled to a routine. And with routine i have come to accept the change in the daily ways of sights, smells & sounds. Following is what i see each day...

Sights

I venture out to see world every weekend from my small self sustained pigeonhole of a guesthouse room. I've more or less got a near complete superficial exposure to the Korean way of life. The people i have settled to observe on a daily basis are by all means hard workers, by habit. They come to office on time, leave late & work more. If free on weekends, will willingly spend 4-5 hours in office, doing if not some work, then simply planning what to do next :P.

The roads are clean & well marked & well lit. Streets, except those of office campus, are more or less empty. Hardly people anywhere unless its a market or a community park, or somethin.

In the markets the sights of small restaurants with large fish tanks filled with all kinds of aquatic life... fishes to octopus to squids to eel's is common. You can order what you see :).

The place is filled with huge apartment complexes. Each complex is a set of at-least 10 - 25 storey buildings. And the whole city is literally cluttered with so many apartment complexes. The reason for this, as i guess, would be that this whole city is build with winters in mind. A lone house is costly to warm. Apartments are a means of warming economically.

The best about the things you can see here are the chicks. *take a bow*. Matlab, they are all so well dressed. Mini-Skirts & super-short hot-pants & short dresses are the staple casual attire. High heels are as common as "hawai" chappals in India. Curvy they might not be, but they all look pretty :P. The other thing to write home about is that women here come in only two age groups... either young or old. Women here seem to skip something we call middle age. Its really hard to spot a middle aged lady here. The reason for that would be,

1) consumerism.. theres a whole world of cosmetics here. Markets have these huge shops selling ONLY cosmetics and they are just about everywhere. And so are the beauty salons & cosmetic clinics. A pseudo economy of sorts survives on beautifying women,

2) Well there are just too many girls. And less guys.. more competition :P (just guessing :D)

Btw yes, the nights are not dark here. They have a hue of yellowishness all throughout the night. The days are also long. Infact strangely very long, the sun sets at around 730! which literally translates to the condition that its still fairly "undark" till 8-830.

More on smells... next..

Night of a thousand checks..

1) Visited THE most happening clubs in Korea (4 no's)-------(check)

2) Public tit flash on dance floor(random chick)--------------(check)

2.5) Loudest-most flashy dance floor ever seen--------------(check)

3) Hottest damn crowd (streets overflowing, literally thousands

of college crowd, foreigners & nothing less

than 50% bandi's)-------------------------------------------(check)

4) Hottest chinki junta on the planet-------------------------(check)

5) Shortest skirt seen---------------------------------------(check)

6) Skimpiest evening gown seen-----------------------------(check)

7) Awesomest chinki dancers seen doing awesome steps-----(check)

8) Streets filled with porche carrera, merc SLR's, aprelia, ducati,

lotus,.... brands i dunno but looked awesome....--------------(check)

9) Drunken dancing for 5 hours continuous------------------(check)

10) Staring in to the eye of a hot chinki while she looked back

straight in to yours (successful line maro attempt)-----------(check)

11) Applauded by junta on dance floor-----------------------(check)

12) Surrounded by hottt dancing chicks while i sat in a corner having

my drink----------------------------------------------------(check)

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1000) (beep)................................................................ (/beep)----(check)

no more

a darkness engulfs this soul.. caressing before the kill... dripping blood... smoke everywhere..

wastelands of mind dip in the shallowness of soul...

seeking redemption from the bonds... young and old.. pains deep & cold....

faces float.. from memories and places long long gone....

passion craves & longing begs for a touch of skin or a sight forgotten so old..

laughter & shenanigans, that once formed the day & nights never came...

when the things were new & experience was rare..

i wish i wish so hard, i plead.. seeking innocence that i always lost, never gained..

or give me a medicine that this depth, this sorrow goes..

or takes me with it & the ways that people told..

it seems ive seen it ive done it all..

things i always lost & blots that never were gone...

i seek no glory no honor no love no pain..

i dont i just dont want to live no more..

Madness

Having my first experience with madness here... I knew it was coming.. i was preparing.. and it has arrived.

They work like ass here. and they want to make me an ass.

the summary is...

Theres an issue. Theres no help.. no device... no logs to check how & what... they want me to fix issue based on code. BY TMRW MORNING. no matter what. :D

Only makes me laugh.

its 12:10 am... and i dont forsee leaving office for next 5 hours... and i think my weekend is lost... no saturday or sunday... :(

Such is life.....

i only hope, this broadens my horizons... i feel that its only those things that stretch a person beyond his realms.. push him.. can make him strong to face life, in ways more mature that others...