no more

a darkness engulfs this soul.. caressing before the kill... dripping blood... smoke everywhere..

wastelands of mind dip in the shallowness of soul...

seeking redemption from the bonds... young and old.. pains deep & cold....

faces float.. from memories and places long long gone....

passion craves & longing begs for a touch of skin or a sight forgotten so old..

laughter & shenanigans, that once formed the day & nights never came...

when the things were new & experience was rare..

i wish i wish so hard, i plead.. seeking innocence that i always lost, never gained..

or give me a medicine that this depth, this sorrow goes..

or takes me with it & the ways that people told..

it seems ive seen it ive done it all..

things i always lost & blots that never were gone...

i seek no glory no honor no love no pain..

i dont i just dont want to live no more..

Madness

Having my first experience with madness here... I knew it was coming.. i was preparing.. and it has arrived.

They work like ass here. and they want to make me an ass.

the summary is...

Theres an issue. Theres no help.. no device... no logs to check how & what... they want me to fix issue based on code. BY TMRW MORNING. no matter what. :D

Only makes me laugh.

its 12:10 am... and i dont forsee leaving office for next 5 hours... and i think my weekend is lost... no saturday or sunday... :(

Such is life.....

i only hope, this broadens my horizons... i feel that its only those things that stretch a person beyond his realms.. push him.. can make him strong to face life, in ways more mature that others...

Yossarian's Trip (Part I)

Seems am the proverbial(#catch 22) Yossarian... long lost, aimless sent on the front lines of a raging war... where the only aim, wish and prayer is to do a safe mission, return home the next day.

Day 1 in Korea has turned out so far so good. Place is awesome to say the least. Squeaky clean streets, every amenity to make living easy, gawd awesome infrastructure.. and a 22 mbps connection at room says it all. I have no work till now, and it wont be the same in near future by the time Anu leaves for India.

Work is the only negative here, they say. They work till 10 at night on usual days and up to 12 at-least 3 days a week. Am mentally preparing myself to do that 6 days a week for at least 2 months ahead. MBA hopes are also to be kept alive.. if i sail through this with decent study hour(s) each day, gawd i will swim oceans some day.

Koreans are cool btw (things other than work hours). Wear mini skirts and shorts which are like.. well.. really short ;). And many of em have this thing with wearing heels. Never seen so many wearing such thin long heels, and yet managing a decent gait.

Food is a piss off. Language too. You cant read what you are eating, and anycase there's nothing much to eat even for a faux-vegetarian like me. And no one speaks English. Hindi is far cry... we literally use slag all the times in office in Hindi (eg. Ye to pagal hai.. iska naam murgi hai... ye rhino hai). Such is life...

Will be posting pics... soon.. tada till then. :)

what happened to life?

am i dead?

i dont talk to ppl. i dont want to meet em.. greeting and hi-hello is a pain. Am growing socially incapable by the day. i look 4 ways to bypass people without the trouble of a small talk.. its just beyond comprehension or reason.

i want to keep frnds & relations i had & never move on... sadly their life has :(

its so hard to maintain a thread of "relationship". the disconnect just sets in... slowly like a deep freeze it drives a chill in what used to be warmth of companionship. there are hardly things to talk & contentions of connect. i am so used to it, every time dad got transferred nd i changed a school... its a been there- done that affair, yet its unbearable every new time.

office is a dynamic place... you never work with the same people.. team changes, people join & leave... you get sent on assignments, others come on assignments... trainees.. koreans... indians... HRs...

its been ages since ive been Home... home. "home is where heart is" ... i dunno where my heart is... in to what... i have awaited for saturday the 4th of Junefor eternity now, nd now that the day is just about to arrive i am literally joy-less... its same ol social awkwardness... uncls... aunts... cousins... hi hellos he he ha ha...

******************

time destroys everything. as you grow up things get taken from you... you realize... sooner or later... "things" could be material or immaterial lil joys... things which seemed fascinating remain so-nomore... bars pubs branded clothes.. laptops... graphic cards.. games... bikes... cars... fancy colleges.. high life.......... they are all just things.. and when you get em, you want em no more... they are just things.

too much partying and you dont want it. to much game and you dont like it. too much good food and its tasty no more.... too much adventure and thrill goes...

i cant have things, i learnt & i dunno how to "have" people..

***********

am i dead?