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(The defiant nigam)

KYAA NIGAMM KO PYAAR HAI???

 

KYA HAMARRA DOST AB VO NAHII RAHA JO VO HUA KARTA THAA???

 

KYA HOGA IT KE TOPPER KAA???

 

KYAA HUA HAI NIGAMM KO???

 

KAUN HAI VO???

 

(spl correspondent ABHi reporting live from the studios of TV INDIA)

 

Oh! there he was, my dear frnd (when he was not in love).

But now the contagion has spread. He is sick dear fellas! belonging to a group of freinds who are all in relationships certainly takes its toll. Nigam is gone!

(Kya hoga ab ABHi kaa???)

 

Symptoms: 

1. Recklessly! madly! insanely! watchin romantic movies.
2. Literally hid himself in the presense of a frnd of mine… suspecting that we were having a thing going and he would be making a kebab mein haddi poking in between  (And thats really usual for a guy like Nigam considering that he knew that there was nothing and the unusual formality for a gal was uncalled for). 
   
3. His incessant chatter seems to be increasingly moving towards senseless "uwaga-buwaga"… more than often (is he lost in thoughts???... who is shee???)
   
4. And just as i write this our undercover reporter (google agenciy code 001) points out....."you forgot nigam singing romantic songs when he's away from the group, and/or sitting idle, and/or doing some work, and calling them *magical* excessively"...
   

  

A recent survey of his close freind circle ( the sources are certified reliable from the google agencies -- also famous as the Google guys in our freinds association) 

Unnamed Source 1 (google agencies code 001) goes on to say that "there seems to be an unusual change in the way nigam is behaving these days... "

Unnamed source 2 (also certified by google agencies)on nigam's blog comments "It seems i am missing something here"....  Now this my frnds is a real danger signal!!! How can close freinds... sources of this high stature be kept in dark???

Infact a close confidant who also goes by the name of "rocker gal" goes on to suggest that such behaviour is true sign of ailments. Hearty ailments.

 

A final nail in the coffin that proves the prognosis, is the defiance Mr Nigam went on to show to make me report the whole issue...

 IS THIS ANYTHING BUT LOVE? How can our reticent, timid, the shy lil guy nigam go on to claim his share of being the lover boy... literally going to point out that "Now i deserve this post!... you must write it!!!"

BUT THE MYSTERY REMAINS. WHO IS SHE???

KAUN HAI VO???

 

catch us on the next episode of "kya hoga topper kaa???" bbyee

 

(P.S. i know this is bit low quality stuff (also called cheap)... but do i need an explanantion here??? Nigam! you asked for it... and mai to bhai.... nything for frnds.... lol ... snofl (snake dance on the floor laughing))

FOUNTAINHEAD

FOUNTAINHEAD

 

Before you read this, there is something more important to be shared. Its bout the purpose.

Some people live without knowing their purpose,  some have it and of course many don’t want it. I don’t know but can someone be happy without knowing their purpose. Purpose is a path to redemption.

Of course ignorance is bliss and before I read fountainhead I was way much better off. Living life as is.

 

Even now am not sure of my purpose. But I have some idea as to what I want in my life and I feel there is hope for me. I seek it. One way or the other I will know it. I will do my job. and depart from this life , my head held high.

 

 

ONE NOVEL.

 

It was an experience. Those three weeks. Prior to Fountainhead I had read some 30-35 novels… mostly (nearly all) pulp… Puzos, Sheldons, Dan Browns, Narayans, Agatha christie… sort o stuff. Most were a max of 4 day/night reads. I had picked Fountainhead knowing nothing about what it is or talks bout. Just another fat novel… had seen it in Bhalu's room… Bhaiya had spoken bout it a few times as well.

 

READ

But once I began, the sheer volume of verbiage overwhelmed me. It wont end, no matter what. In the beginning I used to read like… 2-3 hours a night at my snail pace (at max 150-160words per minute)… and could cover barely 30-35 pages a night. I nearly lost cool after a week. I left the story mid way.

A few days hence. I was just curious what the end would be, so I read last few pages. Kept wondering as to what might have happened to the story from where I had left it. I just picked it up the other night. I still remember I read like 5 and half hours at stretch that night. And then on I guess I never looked back. Even with my pathetic speed back then I was regularly reading like 3 hours every day late in the nights (mostly from 1am - 4am)… 3 continuous days and the effect was showing… and I was completely a wreck in the college hours. The novel was kinda giving me a high. I started to bunk classes. The futility of the whole system and a realization of my own purposelessness in the whole setup was eating me within.

I remember that I missed classes for 4 continuous college days in a week. Nearly all classes. Nearly screwed my semester after that.

 

Effect

Fountainhead is more of an experience than a mere story. I delved in the novel for a period of 3 weeks and it certainly changed the way I see things. Am not going to describe what it aims to convay. If you haven't read the novel with your own will,  you will never understand it any case. All I can tell you is, that it tells you about the importance of your purpose here.

It breaks all accepted notions about things like selfishness, beauty and love, And tells you about yourself.

YOU. YOUR LIFE. YOUR WILL.

this is it!

this is the movie!

in the wild. (2007 release, directed by sean penn)

ammaazing. pure bliss.

its bout a kind of brutal independence. unacknowledged. unspoken.

it hasnt ended yet. but am already beyond the reals of this world  and i need to write this. its a journey of a man, tired of it all. all the money, people, emotions, truth, justice, logic... all of it.

he just runs away from home.. in to alaska. the real wild alsaka. cold alaska. he had been away from home for quite a while now, but hadnt left civilization... he had stood at the periphery... lookin at the amazing world away from humans and society and shit. like standing on the edge of a jungle a big jungle. wild and virgin. unexplored and teeming with life. primitive life... exploring on the edges to determine the perfect spot to enter it.

the movie continues... will be back in a while.

wait!

*************************************************************

ooh! it had a sad end.....

mmm.

was it sad??? may be it looks sad to me. it wasnt for him.

what is happiness and what is sadness???

who am i to define his happiness and who am i to define his sadness???

i can be happy only if i get what i seek. no one else can feel the same amount of thirst as i do. neither can i feel that thirst for others. living life on ones own terms is what makes oneself happy.

and and another thing which happens to be a common perception of thought is that we can find happiness in company. in relationships. a child with his parents. a husband with his wife. a mother to his child. a boy with a girl...  its common. may be true. but it isnt complete.

there is happiness beyond relations and objects. 

There are experiences. 

i donno how much true this is, and in fact this movie highlights the same to an extreme... that life can be happy when one truely gains freedom from all the bondages... to experience and absolve in to the pristine simplicity of nature.

.... i aint no "christopher johnson mccandless"... not that bold, not that free... but somehere down the line ive felt what he felt and tried to live upto.... 

there is joy in emptiness... in wind that flows and strokes your hair... in sound of water when it falls in the rain... in lonely walks when only the voice of your own legs and the shadow of your own self give you company... in lonely room when you speak to your ownself and comfort yourself for your failures... and its joy when you are among people... people you supposed you knew and had for company, but you didnt... and all you find seeing is their smiling faces... you don know what it is...  but you feel it radiating everywhere... that lightness... and you, your own self are basking in it....

and this is the real guy in a real pic who went: Into the wild. 

the date.

Date: A planned meeting between two individuals ( most evidently but not necessarily, male and female) on mutual consensual understanding to explore the possibility of a future mutual social relationship between the two individuals,  which when accepted may lead to a formal commitment of loyalty.

This may be followed by possibility of extension of the relationship in to a sexual relationship which may be just exploratory or oral or culminate in coitus. The sexual relationship part depending upon the mutual understanding can precede or follow after the public declaration of commitment (which in common language is also known as marriage); This usually results after a reasonable amount of time being spent between the two individuals after they agree to be in a mutual social commitment of loyalty to each other and are fully satisfied by the social, economical and psychological wellbeing of the other partner ( the wellbeing part may or may not include an analysis of physiological component, because a complete physiological knowhow would require tests such as those involving blood, urine and DNA and knowledge of hereditary records, which by some strange reasons is not socially popular and prevalent) 

 

 

(the conclusion of the meaning of "date" was arrived upon at a healthy discussion by a group of 6 common DCE students on a chilly winter's sunny afternoon.

Composition of the group: 3 male 3 female. 5 of them socially committed (2 boys and 3 girls)  to a social relationship  and one socially uncommitted,  to a relationship with a member strictly of the opposite sex. ( that does not translate in to the uncommitted guy being gay- which by some chance is me)

The rest of the part apart from the "date" definition has been written by observation, by the uncommitted guy - which again is me)

koi title nahi hai.

The place called DCE.

 

After a busy AND frustrating day at college...

(slept at 2:30am in the morning after watching "the pianist". Woke up at 10:40am thereby missing the tutorials of 9am and 10am. Then was thrown out of the class for coming 10 minutes late for the lecture starting at 11. 1pm was a break with frnds… nigam, ap , swayam. followed by reckless and utterly boring lab file work ( writing +  cutting and pasting pics) for the next 2 hours ( with atulya - kiki- kartik and Kani for a comforting company in the last bench of the class). Then going to lab at 3 only to find that your file was rejected for inspection cause you had missed to paste a single pic.)

 

At 4. Mech canteen, ordering a dosa after a samosa which was preceded by a chole bhature which in turn were preceded by dairy milk chocolates… ed infinitum… and having a real good time.

Pulling legs, creating ultimately vela pj's., teasing…. A debate. Some plans. Many dreams.

 

5:00 : moving towards hostel. A cool gushing winter wind. A smoke trail left by an airplane across the sky (republic day celebration practice). A setting sun. The cool breeze in  to hostel room balcony.

 

Circa 7:30pm. A trip to sector 17 market to get the phone charger with a dear friend. Few Gol-gappa's and lots of chit chat.

 

8:30. the boring mess food. A pepsi. Watching "superman returns" and simultaneously replying msg's.

Will have to be at arjun's room by 12 to catch up with the essay writing and LAN gaming. 

 

Cadence.

 

But the moments that mark the highpoints leave you in total awe. The lows don’t  really matter after you’ve had a taste of the high's. (may be that’s a same case when it comes to drinking and that’s why people get drunk)

 

Life is not total masti 24*7. but that’s how it should be. A plenary fun-life would make the same monotonous.

This is DCE…. An average DCE. An extraordinary DCE.

 

 

suicide

whats the whole point livin when it all comes to being dead... a few years later or may be the next time you cross the road.

Talk about it publicly and people label you "fattu"...

Isnt all the religion and philosophy and all the extents we (including the "non- Fattu's")  go to, to keep ourselves busy.... to reconcile from the ultimate reality of life... which though oxymoronic, is Death.

whats the point? nobody has ever escaped it... and if nothing survives, whats all this for?

i don believe gods... they aint comin to save me. i need my own logical standing to save my "soul". Ages of knowledge, all the experiences and love and freindship... everything that shimmers just fades... death takes it all.

Then sould everything be taken for granted??? trifling and jokular??? care bout nothing... and live life ala yogi style...

may be. 

"existentialism".

***************************************************************

am scared of people and freindships... the gross aggregation of a mass of people just sucks!!!

CL class included. entering the class and brething in the toxicity of the atmosphere.... is there a panacea??? i donno.. its incurable.

people always have aspirations and expectations... and am not the one, ive failed. Many times and many places... am not the one who might be of any use. why do they look up to me and say hello... the very fact that some people are aware of my existnce sucks!!!

not you... not individuals... i donno how to say this... ive always enjoyed the company of freinds and people but ive never felt at ease at the gregarious alcoves... never ever!

And yes! ofcourse there are "plastics"... their plastic smiles and their plastic postures... they take away whatever is left of the feeling to meet the people... and to top it all, an idiot like me often takes them at their face value and and.... u no... acts plastic. i did. and may be that flexibility of the smile is still there... 

why do plastics exist?

And why do i exist?

compiling snort-inline

the mumbo jumbo that relates to compiling n installing source codes in linux are really and painfully true.

ive been trying to compile for the past 3 hours, a simple code... and am yet to understand why the heck my tar-ball is yet to explode... its fu**in corrupted i guess... god save me!

aaah! but working on linux is fun. :)

i mean seeing things crop up... lookin up to net to find solutions... it really is a satisfying experience... AM LOVIN IT!

:)

the letter i wrote to balram n sent to sunshine...

(Miss Sunshine, Career launcher's English faculty has asked us to send her a sort of review cum character sketch cum affect of urbanisation on Balram halwai FROM THE WHITE TIGER by Arvind Adiga. so here's what is crapped...)

From the desk of

Abhishek Kumar

Student of DCE

Somewhere in Delhi

 

To

"The white tiger" Mr. Balram Halwai

Bangalore

 

 

So is murdering your master the last resort to break the rooster coop Mr.Balram halwai?

Ive read your letters. Sure, Mr Jia Bao would be amused. Your letters make a real interesting and humorous read.

You’ve given an unabridged description of darkness and the rooster coop. I know it because I've seen it. I've come from the places you tell about in darkness. And I've seen how it gets you. The moment one takes birth here. Slow yet plenary. The tentacles of its miseries turning to shackles of serfdom. I've seen it.

I unequivocally understand, agree and resent the very existence  rooster coop. Its reality is undisputable.

 

But I resent the way you chose to break free.

 

I understand the realities of India as well. From corrupt politicians and property dealers to dysfunctional state machinery for uplifting the poor. Plights are many. But even with your "half baked" knowledge I know you see and understand that India is progressing. Urbanization has given us its share of positives.

Not all those who try to break free from the rooster and the darkness rot in urban cities. Millions from darkness have seen the light of a future here. Sure many of them work as construction workers and  as drivers and as menial workers but they are not bonded here. To be exploited as you were.

 I know it surely did not make any difference to your father who died in misery waiting for a doctor. But you! Mr. Balram made your way out of darkness; NOT by killing NOT by chance but by your will to progress. You found your way to Delhi and saw the ubiquity of rooster coop.

 

But what I fail to understand is what you did not see, was a better way. You could have left your Ashok the moment he asked you to agree to go to police and accept the crime you never committed.

You could have left him and progressed as a driver.  You could have Joined any travel agency or some call center vehicle. Don’t tell me that’s its impossible to find such job in Delhi.

 

Had you chosen your freedom then, your contemptible yet your own grandmother Kusum and her minions would not have perished, which I presume are dead by now solely because of the way you chose.

 

What you did was to take a shortcut. To kill a man. To commit a thievery.

Ashok was a schmuck. But no one, not you, not stork nor anyone else has  a right to kill.

 

And even as I write this, its tempting to believe that you had no other way and what the end result lead to the freedom of a soul from the coop. But deep down I know and firmly believe that this very acceptance of your way is root of the rooster coop.

 

Should I condone you, why would I bother to say anything about that schmuck Ashok and the stork and the socialist? Why whine about the system?  And ignorance in darkness?

Should I condone you, I must accept chaos. Everyone's right to kill everyone. Sacrifice a human, nay! a few and break free.

The very fact that people like you, me and the ones in darkness condone it makes the rooster coop what it is. I cannot condone you.

 

There is only a right path or a wrong one. And nothing that can be partial or eclipsed. You took the wrong one.

 

Am happy for you Mr. Balram. But I regret how you did it. I disagree.

an ode to fedora....

She seemed unconscious... may be she wasnt able to breathe properly... or was it coma??? a step short of death... and me just grabbing hold of her soft hands... never letting go....

and everytime i tried to resuscitate her... she tried! i know she did!.... 

i was always sure of the guard that i provided her... her shell and there she lived in the core... safe... away from all the myriad evils the world was filled with...

her features... that soft touch... her sublime demeanour... that sweet voice... her shenanigans with shades and yet that ability to be graceful... her ability to stand strong in face of even the worst dangers that clouds of hell could showered on her...  aah! inspite of all this,  how will i ever forget what i did to her... ??? 

oh! the fault was mine... yes! its me who is to be blamed... how else could she...

and you know what a heinous act i committed ?

I STABBED HER.

i know that no alibi can ever rid me of the guilt am carrying... 

yet you ought to know it wasnt intentional... i was just playing around with the knife... and there she trusted me with all her life... 

And i took from her and my own self... something i donno if i could ever be able to replace...

*************************************************************

linux wasnt getting started... may be there was something wrong with the boot process... or was it complete corruption??? or had i done an incorrigible file permission change... and yet i was clinging on the ISO image of the boot partition... trying to fix in any way possible....

and everytime i looked up a new site on  the internet... i knew that i would be able to troubleshoot the problem.... 

i had installed linux on the VMWARE application... that is linux booted in the virtual machine/VMWARE... safe... seperated from the crash prone windows system...

Its features... the agility of commands... yet being easy enough to be easily used and understood... The plethora of features that make the linux system complete and powerful... And its amazing security architecture...  yet how can i forget what a foolish act i had commited??? 

oh! the fault was mine... yes! its me who is to be blamed... how else could it...

and you know what a stupid act i committed ?

I CHANGED THE PERMISSIONS INSIDE /etc/fstab.

i know that no excuse can restore the system...... cause i knew what the command did... i was just playing around with the file changes... being the root user... 

And i thus completely messed up the fedora system runnin on the VMWARE... i wonder how much time it will take me to get used to ubuntu that i hav installed in fedoras place...

and atheist shall hav god.

None of the people, sane people, who know me as an atheist will ever gift me idols of any god/godess for that matter. No one.

My idiosyncrasies and psychic flirtations with the ideas of satanism and bouts of blasphemies are more than standing proofs of my sacreligic profanity.

and one fine day a very dear frnd gifts me idols of Ganesha ( the solver of all troubles) and Saraswati (the godess of knowledge), and i don hav the slightest idea as to what this is or what it means.

Of what importance can images of gods can be to an atheist?

well on the contrary to what i mustve felt i found it rather soothing. A mental sereneity (do i call it sanity???) owerpowered all other thoughts... 

Of what importance can images of god be to a theist? For the very premise of being theist is believing. He would have posessed idols already. One more added.

To an atheist who has no beliefs... it turns out , its a continuos reminder of an external intelligence (as our Miss sunshine at CL would put it)... 

Of faith that others have in him, and may be of god if he is, of protection that people believe in and find comforting in the darkest of times...

(And most importantly a back up plan to believing... well everyone has beliefs... when there is nothing else.)

It sure doesn make me a theist so quickly so dramatically, neither do i have any spl inclinations to go that way. But sure someone has given me the alternate. a way believed by many as way of faith, truth and salvation.

Thanx (to whom it may concern).

linux

ooh! i knew it was goin to happen...

DCAT results are out. and i hav screwed no doubts. (sorry for the slang usage {screw} miss sunshine but this aint your classroom)

so guess ive learnt a few lessons... 

lesson 1: Dont go on a rampage of blacking out the circles on the OMR like picking up gulabjamuns in a party!

lesson2: Study some quant! its pathetic and distressing to score as bad as 15 marks (56 percentile) in quant which essentially is simple 10th class mathematics

lesson3: stop writing useless blogs bout some cranck calls and checking scraps on orkut every 15 mins.

lesson 4: Write the blog post on the topic you set out to write the blog on... linux for that matter today.

lesson 44: stop writing as many as 44 points on the blog.

bbye

am going to study quant now. (even though its 2 am and am going to sleep in a few mins... but even a single problem a day may help in god forsaken many hidden ways... which i might not be sure of at the moment)

and have some shame.... (still sniggering over how pathetic an attempt at humor this post turned out)...

Vo kaun thee?

I donno what this was... It has never happened with me ever before, but just a few mins back.

YOU JUDGE.


Its 10:31pm, January 2 2009 and 3 mins back i recieved this call from this number
******9505.
The caller was she.


Me: hello!

She: hello!

Me: So....... whose this?

She: aur pehchana nahi... chal am calling itne dino baad, just guess!

Me: Ahmmm cant guess! chalo aur baat karte hai... abhi to maine tumhari awaz theek se suni bhi nahi hai... lemme guess

She: Kyaaa? itne dino mein kitni girlfreinds bana lee hai... aawaz bhi nahi pehchanee???

(well am sittin in the room close to where maa is sittin, i sneak out to the balcony feeling strangely that i hav never spoken to this voice. still i continue )

Me: Meri! Girlfriend!... lol ... sorry. abhi girlfreinds ke mood mein nahi mai... lol bandiyan... not for me as girlfriends at the moment.

She: To kya bande pasnad hai? lol

Me: ooh! naiii! lol am straight mam! but not in the mood.

She: Mood mein nahi ya bani nahi?... he he... so whats happenin in life?

Me: he he... kaun ho yaar?.... well lifes good... been busy... goin office for the training these days... its bit hectic. What bout you?

She: arre badhiya!am fine. aur batao... kaise bandiyan pasnad hai?

Me: are you from some marriage agency? lol (now am getting in the mood... lol)

She: Nahi! phir bhee... batao to sahi

(Seems now that a frnd's frnd is playin some prank on me...)

Me: bas jisse dekhun aur,and it feels like she is the one... bas... but pata ni... not in mood for Gf's at the moment.

****** the chatter goes on for a few more minutes... this n that.... finally after 5 mins am really confused ******

Me: Yaar! now you seriously are going to tell me who you are! If you are angry that i still havnt recognised you, then am sorry!

She: chalo! ACTUALLY i donno you and you dont know me.... i was doin this just for time pass, fun. Btw mera bill bhi bahut uth raha hai.... bbye night.

Me: what! (!@#$%^&) oooh!
(i donno what to say)
Me: ok they bye. c ya. oops! nope i cant c ya! nycase bbye!

She hangs up.


Now i msg her back as i write this asking again if i know her. she replies within mins that she doesnt know me and was just havin some fun.

Well me, being the "Gentleman" guy... lol... have never done such daredevilry with phone. But this madam seriously was in mood for some real good phone masti.
(Yaar vo gaana yaad aa rha hai... Tu tu hai vahi dil ne jisse apna kaha... (the remix video with those three girls on phone....DJ Doll i guess) lol)

Life holds many surprises. I just got one out of the blue. Guess i enjoyed it

;)