MY NEW YEAR CELEBRATION

none if you see it in the was as to how an what am doin at 00:00 hrs on 1st jan...
sittin on my laptop... lookin up differences between IDS and IPS (computer networks) for tomorrows training report... and its bit dull...
but i guess celebrating in not somethin that requires a premise of a festival...

as i found this written somewhere...

"Celebration means......
Hundred bucks of petrol.
A rusty old bike.
And an open road.

Celebration means......
Maggi noodles.
A hostel room.
4.25 a.m.

Celebration means......
3 old friends.
3 different cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 internet messenger.

Celebration means......
Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Neighbours dropping in.
A party.

Celebration means......
You and mom.
A summer night.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.

Celebration means......
few college mates.
few bucks.
few items at canteen.
lots of chatting.


You can spend

Hundreds on birthdays,

Thousands on festivals,

Lakhs on weddings,


but to celebrate

all you have to do is spend your Time with your loved and cherished ones..."

2 things!

1. A very happy new year to all!

2. ;)
try this http://home.comcast.net/~wolfand at your own risk!


****************************************
and nigam just inspired me to write more...

Another year has passed.
i donno what to write, ... lookin back everything seems blurred... January the start ... CVR 122... sem IV... the exams... the day it rained.... then Jaipur... then back to hostel... CVR 207... the loneliness.... the sem V... algo, Cn... Arjun... Saksham... games n essays.... Exams again.... Silk... SS... love frnds, #.... IRCON...

I wont surmise... it would demean it... all of it...
But there is one song that captures what am feelin at the moment...



Gortoz a ran

Gortozet 'm eus, gortozet pell
E skeud teñval tourioù gell
E skeud teñval tourioù gell

E skeud teñval an tourioù glav
C'hwi am gwelo 'c'hortoz atav
C'hwi am gwelo 'c'hortoz atav

Un deiz a vo 'teuio en-dro
Dreist ar morioù, dreist ar maezioù
Dreist ar maezioù, dreist ar morioù

D'am laerezh war an treujoù
'Teuio en-dro karget a fru
E skeud teñval an tourioù du

'Teuio en-dro an avel c'hlas
Da analañ va c'halon c'hloaz't

Kaset e vin diouzh e anal
Pell gant ar red en ur vro all

Kaset e vin diouzh e alan
Pell gant ar red, hervez 'deus c'hoant

Hervez 'deus c'hoant pell eus ar bed
Etre ar mor hag ar stered

English

I'm Waiting

I was waiting, waiting for a long time
In the dark shadow of grey towers
In the dark shadow of grey towers

In the dark shadow of rain towers
You will see me waiting forever
You will see me waiting forever

One day it will come back
Over the seas, over the lands
Over the lands, over the seas

To steal me on the trunks
It will come back full of spray
In the dark shadow of the black towers

Will come back the blue wind
To breathe my wounded heart

I will be pulled away by its blow
Far away by its stream to another land

I will be pulled away by its breath
Far away by its stream, wherever it wants

Wherever it wants, far away from this world
Between the sea and the stars

Angal bhasha

well seems like its love again...
it was always my dream to learn english... may be a BA would hav been a preferred choice. but here i was studyin engineering of this very obscure IT (recession->IT crash->IT becomes obscure) thingy....

but alas! fate has its surprises, today the first class with Miss Arunima (Mere CL ki angal bhasha ki adyapika) and guess the wish seems getting fulfilled (bits n peices though). The love of english was again enkindled... :P

(with of course some added sunshine in my usually cloudy classroom life as well.... ;-) )

Who is John Galt?

its 2 am and the body is sleepless and the spirit restless... i can fell a prickle thats runnin amok in n out...

i had always wondered as to what the feeling would be when am gonna read up that last page of Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)... an achievement, somethin of a premise that i could gloat bout to my frnds... somethin i can boast on my blog... but flipping thourgh its last pages tonight.... the discovery is sheer pain... every inch of body burning... and and its solitude and all pathos...

The philosophy of objectivism of ayn rand wills surity over things. People know what they want out of their lives... and i dont. i desire. the very morality of ones existence is his happiness... nothing else. But if one doesn know what he seeks, how should happiness ensue....

HOW CAN I EVER PURSUE HAPPINESS?

its been a week, and yet i fail to find a premise that validates me spendin my fathers hard earned money for the sake of my MBA preparation. i donno why i would be doin an MBA as i never knew as to why i was doing engineering.
Its been over a week now and am still lookin around finding reasons as to MBA being a good choice over something as vague as army. Ive been thinkin of a long term goal that i seek to achieve or the very desire to see myself as somethin years from now... and all i can see myself doin is adjustin to whatever i would be doin then.... adjusting... compromising... just as i had compromised to be here at DCE... i never made a choice...

the problem is choice.
you make a choice and you open a door.
the problem is choice.


can there be a compromise when the very desire to do achieve things is poisoned... adultrated... or may be abscent...

as i weigh my desires... the only possible vocation that i think suits me is to join Airforce or as a backdrop Army. but as i note the last sentense that i wrote... its just a desire. A will has no scope for confusion... weaks desire... strong will.

its not gonna be same tmrw. the CL class, it has to be different...
something has to change....
it will...

vela chat.

Prateek Nigam is online.
abhishek: hullo


Prateek: hullo


Sent at 6:40 PM on Tuesday
abhishek: are you offline?


Prateek: no..


abhishek: i mean...doin offline project???


Prateek: crazy...


abhishek: why?


Prateek: u got any project?? i wanna hop in


abhishek: crazy


Prateek: :D


Prateek: whats with your training? My "Mentor" keeps delaying assignments... or talking to me as for that matter


abhishek: ... i havt even started as yet... tmrw ill be goin day 1


Prateek: I dont have start at all...Mine is offline! How good is that..they dont
want me to step in their office!


Prateek: yar..these sunil siddhant...are writing research papers.


abhishek:what topic?


Prateek: i dont kno..
waise..they havent told me precisely...but the tone...was what i sniffed
the details out from


abhishek: lets us also jump in to the brigade... lets write a research paper as
well... its much easier than a project


Prateek: ha!
open a word doc...write a paper.
but....research??
you need to do that....too


abhishek: oops... i forgot bout that... i too only thought bout word...
so think of it na...
kuch to soch nigam...! cumon! is chat mein sirk ek bond hai!!!


Prateek: whats aastha doing these days?
she never reveal the exact details of her project.,..


abhishek: MS mein vela... shayad....
saw her few times at orkut... gtalk... or may be gulping the free pepsi at
MS... (its free in there!!!)


Prateek: na na...
she isnt telling you either.


abhishek: yep
but may be thats cause i din ask her... lol :p



Prateek: I bet..Micosoft Aastha....
is replacing windows server 08


abhishek: i asked her if she was involved in some OS development... she said no
did she asy you bout its cd???
lol
ho ho ho


Prateek: I am telling you....MS-Aastha....
Its one desperate attempt by MS to restore "aastha" in Microsoft


abhishek: M(aata) S(hree)-Aastha


Prateek: I am mailing her this chat....
maza aa gaya


abhishek: M(aata) S(hree) - mein- Aastha


Prateek: oye...years from now...


abhishek: yes...frm now...
ages after we talked....


Prateek: Sunil-Siddhant...versus Aastha_AP


abhishek: ho ho ho
hum tab bhi audience mein khade honge
lol
agar humne kuch research nahi kiya
!!!
:X
kuch soch nigam!!!!

abhishek: so... koi research aaya dimaag mein??? nigam, the bond... plzz kuch soch!


Prateek: lets revolutionize the way we find HCF


abhishek: i can decorate the outputs with star pyramids!!!! ho ho ho


Prateek: ooh.....


Sent at 7:20 PM on Tuesday
abhishek: oye am posting this on my blog!
chk out in 5 mins

backpackers trip to taj.

well i beat them all... lol!!!

yup i had a tour ahead of quite a few ppl whose constant chatter of going here there, i donno... kinda everywhere in these December holidays got me in the mood. So i packed my rucksack and headed for a quick backpack trip to Agra and Fatehpur Sikri.

But beyond all my expectations the trip turned out to be a hell lot convenient as well as luxurious. My (ex), i mean, my ex roomie at hostel (Antriksh) made it all possible with all the reservations and those gourmet dinners and a fabulous 5 star stay at Mansingh palace... Aah! i can only sigh now at all the amenities and those palatable buffet breakfasts...

and the trip to taj also turned out really spell binding. Gosh! the monument of love was better than all i had seen in TV or its perception in my thoughts... well i missed my photograph at the lovers bench... for all the obvious reasons (read as no gf)... but i got pics...

A sneak peek.

BEAT IT!

well... i donno if i hate india tv as much as i dislike Pakistani propaganda bout terror attacks.

but after watchin this clip am fairly sure... that someone can truly beat india tv...


watch this!


its among the funniest things ive watched on you tube...

KISS ME.

Not exactly a real big fan of pop... mostly stickin to my metallic domains, but this one's just drivin me crazy... so very sweet... this one!
amazing song... and its been playin on the lappy since 5 o clock this evenin (now its close to 11)
and i cant get enough of it....
and btw if you haven't heard it... oh god! you are missin something.

kiss me!
(by Sixpence none the richer)

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

[Chorus:]
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

[Chorus (repeat)]





(should i dedicate this one to some one... i donno... ;) ??? )

STAR PYRAMID

This one goes out to the programming skills that I've acquired in my college life till now…

It all started in second sem. New sem, I had branched out from the best ever "D" group of the first sem to the 2K6/IT batch, it was all supposed to start here. The real computers!!! the programming, the OS (operating system) and all everything computers. It funny! There was this feeling to scream in from of mirror, yess! Now am gonna be a programmer… the thing I aspired to learn all my life… doin all the crazy shit they do in movies,.. Hacking, cracking… f***in computers… Hollywood ishtyle … lol

I din had computers as my senior sec school subject. So unaware of even the bare basics of C or C++, there I ventured on my quixotic mission to become the greatest programmer ever. Then came my laptop… and I began. Starting with the basics I learned to pronounce "cout" as "C out" from my idotic "kout" in just a few days.
But then came the turning point, a few classes by Manoj sethi sir and my interest in C vaporized like dry ice. Then came the tornado of masti of second sem… from fests, to events to movies to * I did it all. Programming went for a sixer for the next 3 months.

And 3 days from my programming practical exam I realized that I was facing the greatest crisis of my life…

Imagine the scene,
Practical Exam are in 3 days.
Abhishek " yaar bhaskar! I donno a thing bout C yaar! What am I gonna do???"
Bhaskar "arre! Tension na le! Ho jayega! Bindaas! Abhi teen din hai na, C++ mein kya hai sirf cout aur cin ….. ye nai alizee video ayee hai dekhi tune??? Mast hai!"
Abhishek " abhi laata hun pen drive pe… jo hoga dekha jayega…"

God bless roommates like Bhaskar and I messed those three days as well… (but that was fun!)

And I still remember I played that Alizee (song : france gal) video something like 21 times back to back on the night of C++ practical exam… driving Deb (2K6/EE) absolutely mad over my one night obsession with Alizee. ..

The most haunting memory of the end sem drama seems when I realized in the morning of that practical exam that all I had been able to memorize/learn(whatever) was to print out a pyramid of stars (asterisk's) on computer monitor… and that too when I tried out had problems running...
So armed with just a star pyramid, I ventured to face my practical exams. I don remember what happened next, as I somehow managed to hoodwink examiners to manage a decent score of something like 75-78…


More than a year from that night am fairly confident only about a thing when it come to programming! And it undoubtedly is my STAR PYRAMID…

IIM's here i come!!!

So finally after much bickering within and "without" my mind I have decided to join Career launcher. Guess it has already launched me in to the trajectory of IIM aspirants. Am writing this blog post I guess is the proof enough… lol


Well joining CL I guess was more of me following my esteemed friend fraternity footsteps…
(Yes!! All you nigam's, ap's, rashmee's, aastha's, aman's, kanika's…. Yup am blaming you all! :x)


There I was completely oblivious to everything (the IIM's), doin nothing. Hoping to get a nice placement… passing out from the Haloed portals of DCE in to the world unfathomed.

And then came this god forsaken recession, and the state of fear…

"No jobs! No jobs! Oh F***!, spare me one… where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do?"---- (hey nigam! Can you write a poem on this one???..... May be I did, chk out ur
blog comments.
)



And there came the cursed answer!... JOIN IIMS's.
I donno where it came from, but god knows it, overnight the whole 2K6/IT batch, in fact nearly all the who's who of my friend circle were preparing for a dekko at IIM's…. As if we gonna be having a tea party on the IIM A lawns right next year… ( I din wanna miss out!!!)

Not that I mind the prospect of getting in to the IIM's, moreover if preparing for IIM's is just bout reading more novels and solving puzzles and doing school level mathematics, it seems rather a cakewalk.
LOL, now forgive my bawdy irreverence but I hear preparing for the IIM's isn't a cakewalk. Minions like me have tried and perished in numbers uncountable.



Add to it the schedule in holidays that I follow…
( A sneak peek:
wake up at 1 PM. (yep! No exxxageration)
by 4 PM… getting fresh, newspaper, brunch et al.
4-6: religiously play Prince of Persia.
6-8: vella… I have no idea what I do in this period… (gayabb!!!)
8-10: some sort of shit, tryin to do things, novels, c++, CL package…
11-1:30: MOVIE TIME!!! (the one scheduled today: Hide and seek -robert de niro)
1:30 -4:00 AM: Blogs, net, orkut, facebook… more of POP...
)

I wonder if I am ever gonna pass college with this…. ( ;) )

In fact I think Holidays are just a big pain. Its rather good giving exams. At least you have a reason to wake up… exams are a pain as well but I guess I've more or less developed an understanding with that one.

Nothin more to spout!

GOD save me! GOD save IIM's! GOD save me in IIM's! ;)

Holidays again!

yep it has started all over again. The December hols...


Again more than a month long completely legal vellapanti has started. Watched quantum of solace last evening...
The evening left me 400 bucks lighter, but guess the fun, the ice creams, the pizza hut treat and something that was bigger than the whole evening, which i cant discuss here... made the do totally worth it...
;)


And my journey for a year long MBA prep has also started, i guess. Also joined CL yesterday. lol Its always feels great getting new books (CL package), the smell of fresh printed paper...


Hope ill be more regular on the blog, with of course something more purposeful than this post...


i sign off, with the words of the song playin on my laptop...

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
Can she take me for a while
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade...
Away...again

(-Shimmer by Fuel)

of frnds love and #... part II

senti me!
The last time i wrote on frnds, love and #, i hated my guts for being so emotional. How on earth can my very disdain from any sort of public show of emotions turn in to an outburst of "senti-ness" from my keyboard... on my very own blog.

Of a few things that are really hard for me to stand are emotions... the saas bahu dramas,the utter fuss ... the cries ... And a bandi crying!--- oh thats a worst nightmare that may come alive.
Emotions are somethigs one feels personally. Its ones own personal space. Ones own world.

For me its my life, my pain and my joy.
Joy...my happiness... i may choose to share. For there may be people who happen to be the source of my happiness.
But it isnt an option when it comes my failures, my past, my pain. Its my path and something which i bear sole responsibility for. Why should i share?

Ny case it always "awes" me as to how people/girls can be so emotional at times... in fact many times... and for many of them all the times. lol ;)

BUT BUT BUT
Off lately i seem to have started enjoying the bouts of sentimentalism from an xyz frnd *wink wink* ;)



****************************************************

THE DAILY LIFE.

btw the life at present is really a roller coaster ride these days... days are passing at a pace like never before.
Exams have blown the air out of even the most hardened lazy souls (like me of course).
A daily night duty till 5 am is nearly indispensible. Collecting notes, solving problems... and nearly a 1000 page book to mug up! lifes really hectic. Moreover am heavily involved in completing Prince of persia (the game)... its eatin away my hours like nythin.

And yes! some msgs to reply for a new frnd. and stand the blame if the replies are delayed (which by all my bad luck ARE)

another point... am really indebted to Bhalu (arjun) as i fully understand that am the sole "kamina" (-in bhalu terminology) who has emptied nearly a kg of sohan papdi... 2-3 mixture packets... a few biscuit packets.... a full walnut cake... a few bottles of ready to drink squash....
and many more items that bhalu so innocently had brought after diwali.

And Saksham! screw you! you will be solely responsible if i screw up my exams in the Prince of persia (GAME) madness... stop giving me games ka dose in exam season!

of frnds, love and #

there are a few things that really matter to me.

i take them seriously.
seriously, not joking!

frnds being one of them.
i ve spent my childhood constantly being uprooted from one place to be transplanted another as papa was constantly getting transferred every 3 years or so...
and of things that these constant flights from one place to another taught me, was to cherish the time i had with my present friends, the very relationship and equations i shared with my friends.

to whom it may concern.
i love my friends, for who they are, how they are and whatever they want to do.
i accept them as is.
no regrets, no complaints.

i try n avoid faking friendships. they are sacred to me.

and the only thing that always beats me, is how do i end up being that, stupid idiot who acts as though he cares bout nothin. i care.
and people label me this...
...


forget it.
thats it.

they call it fusilli... , i asked whats the fuss???

I waited with baited breath as the chef added one ingredient after the other. It was meant to be a sauce. (and everything i could figure out with the picture of sauce in my mind was red tomato sauce, green chilli sauce, yellow brown mustard sauce...)

but WTF??? this sauce was kinda WHITE with green capsicum floating!!! looks weird!
call me a dumb idiot, but i havn't tasted much of pasta, but for the instant sunfeast pasta that maa cooks or the simple pasta that they serve at local food courts.
But mind you, this was not some ordinary food court... AND it wasn't some other pasta, The paprika fettuccine veg fussily.

bite 1: whats this? milk cream with chilli-masala-some italian herb and lots of salt?

i blurted out: (jor se) ye kya bakwas hai, it doesn even taste better than maggi i cook ( n the ppl near by kinda gave me this look, pariah among the Pomeranian... ha! i thought, still a doggy)

silky said, kha le, true Italin tastes something like this only. and you really hav no taste for good food

JAI mata di!

i din say much after that, (kha le bhai, i thought... silky is experienced... may be they eat the same tasteless milk-salt curry that they call some fancy name in Italy... poor italians)

but that was funny.
i mean how can...
why should...
who will...
naaahhh...

Italy is great. may be thats why monica bellucci is so beautiful...

Jackpot

jackpot for sure!

lol ;)

mess food sucks.
8:30 pm - saw "mess ka khana"
demag ka dahi ho gaya. Bhukh ne stomach me hi suicide kar liya...

screw bhalu (arjun)!
donno from where he, maneet, and dikshit managed this rickety scooter and asked me to join in at "chachi da dhaaba" to grab some thing edible. all i new next is that i pocketed my purse (in it 1500/- bucks + college i card + library i card + metro card with 100 rs balance) and did a triple seater on the scooter.

and fuck my grand luck! i dropped my purse donno where... screw that triple ride on scooter to dhaba and even more that scooter.



now whats positive in this.

my food at dhaba was sponsored by those three morons.

Paritosh sir of elec 4 th year lost his purse last year and had a placement in dunnhumby (6 lacs) this year. he even got the purse back, thats 2000 bucks - in his wallet - what he got back.
hope my luck is following suite. i wont mind if i too get placed in Dunn humby.

And thus i hit the jackpot today.
(though am penniless now. not even an identity.... )


life's beautiful.
am lovin it!

life, frnds and third year at college...

"Sar kiye ye pahar, dariyaon ki gehraiyon mein tujhe dhunda hai...Aa bhi jaa ek bar… "- strings

(well am quoting the song for no good reason other than cause its playin in the background, of course on my latest (5 day NEW) Intex 2600W 2.1 speakers- that has nearly emptied nearly all my pocket money
time right now - 2:55 am)

The third year at college is different. Its different for sure. Am not what I used to be. People are not what they used to be. People and their ways with other people. Jokes we used to share have hardly changed, but with whom I shared those, surely have. Either identity itself or may be the entity within them. Something has changed. I donno what...

I've got this new all "personal - private" single room at hostel. I can do whatever I can here!
I AM GAWD!
Its good. It has to be good. I wanted to be here. This room.
But donno, It looks and feels all right but it lacks something.
I still wonder if I miss that cramped and screwed up double-seater room I shared with Antariksh. Its backside verandah, yup! The sunset was clearly visible there… and the nearby room had "friends"… the evenings of having the dinner together… I guess am just missing my gregarious "me"...

Not just this emptiness of a lonely room. That’s insignificant to the other myriad this-that's.
The way all are behaving. Mature. Are we mature now? Am I? Well , I AM mature since long , that’s what I know. But this isn't just about making prudent decisions I guess. Quite some amount of objectivity, a selfishness sort of behavior has crept in from I donno where. A motive to get things done, to see beyond just most obvious in people. And may be people are that way. Like me. Selfish. They too seek to see beyond me, my motives as I try to see theirs.
Meekness of being in herd, a sense of belonging to a group has been replaced by an urge to go alone. Be there, be it all alone.

And more than often I find myself thinking about the life beyond college. A job. May be Deloitte, even better Oracle or Dunn humby. Facing the big bad world. Being in that glitzy yet bitchy corporate world. And every time I think of that a feeling of merciless revenge, anger, to rise to the top seems to overpower all other feelings.

Treats aren't that fun now. Come on! I still have no clue as to how that happened. The D gang of first sem and the life of masti thereafter has been built by these very treats. Bercos to Zen… Pizza hut to Pind baluchi… it seems more of a routine now, attending treats. Fuck! I was getting bored at my very own birthday treat this time! Meeting ol friends… hours of vella-panti… metro walk… even mech and elec canteens don seem the same now. They surely are indispensible but comparatively the joy was more last year. Have I outgrown college? Or this is just momentary lapse of sense and all am doing right now is being banal.

And yes! Ive started to care less about other people… all that interest in bird watching, a pang of not having a gf. It has gone. All girls sound the same.

Its not as if life is all dull and boring. Not that am losing all joy in things and transforming to be a joyless psycho.
We, the gang of friends, specially nigam, ap, myself, to an extent swati have become adept at creating all new technically specialized pj's. They are amazing!
The small chit-chat, chowmein, dosa and nimbu-paani at mech are all pure gold.
Managing "idce.in" our very own website is fun.
All night long LAN gaming sessions with arjun and saksham.
Music! Oh god! My addiction to music has crossed all boundaries. This very month ive spent nearly all my pocket money to get the latest speakers on the shelf. Every second day a new track seems to hijack all my attention. And am loving it! (Currently : tears don’t fall - bullets for my valentine - playin in the background- the latest crush)
Perfecting to drive my car, my baby, on those long drives.
Some off times spent with silky. Hopping Rajouri malls. Shoppers stop. Among the top things I like doing...

Life is change. It surely is for me. Hope the brings more positives than negatives.

its f***in 4:30 am and i feel tipsy!

I donno if am ever gonna blog this one…

Its dead past 3 am. Dead.
Not a single soul in the entire hostel corridor… its silent. Silence.
I just went to fill up my bottle with water. I realized that I never knew, Beethoven could ever be so scary… was it the empty corridor or may be the flickering tube light right in the aqua-guard pavement or may be the way the whole symphony was emanating from the aqua-guard machine. Scary.

It was just another paranoid evening again. A paranoid evening.
3 movies back to back. No studies. No database, no algorithms, neither microelectronics. 3 movies back to back. 3.

Lucky number slevin.
Boat-trip.
A requiem for a dream.

A requiem for a dream. Did I fell in love with Jenifer Connelly all over again? (why do they have to shed their clothes so much in Hollywood?... Nude. Nudity.)
Requiem for a dream was sad.
It was about addiction and how it destroys the dreams of the four protagonists in the movie.

Am I addicted?
Smoking? Cigarettes?
Alcohol? Vodka?
Music? Metal?
Movie? Good?

nope.

Am I little jerked right now. Lol. Jerked!
Do I need a smoke? May be, but I haven't got any. I never do. I never buy one.

Hey! Its 4 now.
I need to sleep. Sleep.

Sleep isn't what I need. I need more. its all craving sometimes.
Why don’t I have a girlfriend?
And why is silky so elusive sometimes and so "more than friendly" the other?
And why is she so beautiful?
And why am I not able to study? Fuck! I watched 3 movies today. 3 movies. 6 and half hours.

I wanna get out of college soon. It sucks. It sucks bad. And I hate people. I love my friends. Friends. My fraternity of friends. And I hate people. All of them. And I like being alone. No one. Solipsism.
Sneering ass holes, and their silly jokes… their carefree postures and the utter neglect.
All that shimmers this moment is sure meant to fade away… so soon…

And I watched 3 movies today.
3 movies back to back. No studies. No database, no algorithms, neither microelectronics. 3 movies back to back. 3.

Lucky number slevin.
Boat-trip.
A requiem for a dream.

lonely planet

A few of the pics i took on train on my journey back from tinsukia(the oil india ltd ... oil fields...) (Assam) to New delhi this summer.

(some insight on trip: went there to visit maasi ji and enjoyed a lot... khana-khana aur bahut saara khaana was all abt the stay at maasi ji's grand house... bas aate samay phat gaye buree vaali... all trains and flights were booked... was somehow able to grab these bramhaputra mail tickets on... and the f***ed up train takes damn freakin 52 hours to reach delhi. i still am in awe as to how i managed to do the journey all alone...
as for the scenic beauty that ive been fortunate enough to be able to experience... here's a sampler from my mobile cam)

of things learnt in first year : revisited

i wrote this way back in first year...
and just as i was flipping through my MS one note pages, i saw it again...
i was trying to be funny writing this... and now i realize how true i was about this...

********************************************************************************************

(Although I "don’t" like to share the following tenets I've learnt in the first year at college, but due to some special requests to put this one also on my blog, I oblige….)

Few things i can tell for sure i learnt in college...

1. I’ve learned that no matter how good a bandi is, how hard u try to b honest with her, befriend her... care for her, she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.

2. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people(other than our good ol chicks) are just assholes.

3. I’ve learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money, n take treats.

4. I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.(So kick ass when u hav time!)

5. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others — they are more fucked up than you think.

6. I've learnt that no matter how hard I try I cant work-hard/study until am in serious trouble.(so I don take the trouble to even plan studies before exam season).

7. I’ve learned to say, “FUCK U ! if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.(N may b thats y they call me "THE FUCK MAN" lol..).

Sorry but thats the way I am. Cant help being cynical !!

*******************************************************************************************

nahi! mai marna nahi chahta!!!

Am scared of dying.Really f***in scared of death! I don wanna die yet.
(… well I haven't even married yet!)
But am writing this just in case… (after the jaipur incident when I was nearly crushed by bus, or the hostel incident when I nearly fell of the roof, or the one before… and may be due these ridiculously regular terrorist attack I certainly think that am in sure mortal danger… engineer bante-bante shaeed ho jaunga.)
So the idea is to record a sentence for each of the persons I would like to tell before dying. (imagine the scene where am shot a bullet - bollywood ishtyle- and am making a parting speech… that happens to be bit ……………………. Long)

My last sentence.
As soon as I realize am going to die : nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
(the last sentence marathon starts:)
To ,

Maa: maa! I love you!

Papa: love you too! Bye!... Thanx for the car!

Bhaiya: love you! But hoped we were much better and closer friends…

(friends, teachers and others … now the order is random… not in order of importance)

Bhaskar : saale! Tere sir pe marne se pehle baal dekh kar khushi hui! Tu mast roomie aur dost hai!

Maneet: Kamine! S****** ko propose kyon nahi karta, gadhe!

Barue: Ab to CR banne ke liye khada ho ja! (btw you were always gr8 support)

Antriksh: Tu BOND hai bhai!

Nigam: itna mat padh! Aur… iDCE site chaalu kar dio… mera credit jaruur likhio… aur blog entry bhi … aur ...nahii! Mai marna nahi chahta… mere badle tuu aaja !

Ap: Yo baby! Good bye! Shayad ye meri aakhiri "seher" hai…

Aastha: Mateey! ...Aastha maa!... Paranam!

Swati: Smile plz!

Ankita: lol kya likhun? Good bye! Tu bhi US chali jaiyo sis ki tareh!

Atulya: always considered you a frnd bro!... Still…

Kiki: thanx!

Kanika: wishing your best… as always… keep smiling!

Ankit (bihari): Satanism follow karle… marke tu bhi mere saath narak mein daaru-sutta karne waala hai!

Amar: doob mar! dekh marne mein bhi tujhe beat kar diya!

Anupam (dadhi vaala): Chal! Chal! Side se nikal le!... Cheap thrills vaale!

Sarabjot: "singh is kinng" dikha de yaar!... Ab to mar raha hun… ab to dikha de!

Saksham: oye narak mein vo homeworld-3 ki CD le aiyo... narak mein gaing facilty ka pata nahi..... par agar ho to mazaa ayega...

Silky [;)]: lol… date???

Swayam: yaar! Your name sounds like some guy! But you write gr8 stuff! Keep blogging!

Hostel admin: Jaake duub maro kamino! Narak mein aao! Tab bataunga!

College admin: kaamchoron! tumhe narak mein 4 ghate ki line mein khada nahi karya to…!@#$

Mess vaale bhaiya : bhaiya ek pepsi de do… kissi aur ke naam pe entry karke… !

NSR sir: Sir! Tussi gr8 ho! Amrika de atom, india de hope ho! Bas ab hamein padhana chod do!

Jagaa sir: Are you aasteller???

Vidhi Mam: you were great! I never missed your class… par class jaldi choda karo!... 2 ghante pakaya mat karo!

Kakali Maam: ab to black board pe bada-bada likho! Last bench pe nahi dikhta!

Director (of college): Sir! Main engineer bante bante shaheed ho raha hun… Auditorium (jo ab tak nahi bana) ka naam mere naam pe kar do!... Future students inspire honge!

(I may have missed out on a few ppl… hard luck… pare shayad mere paas jyada time nahi tha… goli ne jaan le lee…)Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

outside.

Music to me is….. everything!

I have spent months without social contacts… on sheer music… I guess I can feel it as it flows in my veins...

Of hundreds of songs and artists that I've worshipped , I guess if I've ever felt something close to my heart… this was the closest.

Its called "OUTSIDE", by staind

(do try and listen to this one… its something so intoxicating… no liquor can ever match… if you can relate yourself to this one, in any way)

Outside… (the way I felt it...)

And you

Can bring me to my knees

Yeah

(of all the ones I ever met, I found you the only one with whom the deal wasn’t about winning or loosing… it was sheer surrender, to all your whims, for all your wishes…)

All this time

That I could make you breathe

Yeah

(and I think of the times when I was with you, your own…)

All the times

That I felt insecure

Yeah

(and I think of all the times, when I thought about not being able to be there for you… that guilt)

And I leave

A burning path of flame

(and now as I look back, all that's left behind is a trail of painful past…)

I’m on the outside

I’m looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

Cause inside you’re ugly

You’re Ugly like me

I can see through you

See to the real you

(but today, in this inebriation, it feels like am standing away, above, untouched by everything, and I still see you… but you don’t seem the same as I had imagined, I find you the same… but same like me!

I had convinced myself that I was not good enough… not that pure, not that secure... to be with you.

But now its so painful to find that you too weren't the angel I imagined you were!

And inside you were as bad as I was. Worse! You saw it all, and and… still… you left me there… all alone...)

All the times

That I’ve cried

All that’s wasted

It’s all inside

(and you know what? All that past, that pain, it hasn’t gone! Its all there!.... Still there, burning…inside...and reminding me of everything)

And I feel

All this pain

Stuffed it down

It’s back again

(its all pain now, pathos…)

And I lie

Here in bed

All alone

I can’t mend

(the loneliness… and I cant correct a thing that I went wrong with…)

And I feel

Tomorrow will be okay ….

(still I hope… I hope that tomorrow ill feel alright… this pain ,this past shall be gone… forever...)

just another day of vella...

Hey roaming around all alone could be fun, more than any time else I guess I found out today!And screaming on any useless scumbag could be… so relieving… can make you feel like in heaven!

I went for my laptop repair today at HP service centre.

Scene I

Am at the HP service centre after nearly 1 hour commute and 100 bucks light. All sweaty in noon sun, I enter the service center hall. Its AC finally and feels comfy. But its quite rush there… lots of people...

"Mam! I got this address from HP technical support and I got this problem number as issued by them. And I also called today morning confirming that ill be coming here today. So if you could please… fix my lappy…"

"is your laptop under warranty"

"no! but I told you about it and also when I registered for the complaint with HP"

"sorry sir! Then I cant help it! We only attend under warranty products"

"arre! I told you about this earlier na! even when I was registering the complaint! , why din you tell me then not to come?"

"sorry! I cant help you sir!"
(Now that set me on fire… I rarely get angry and screaming n al but this one got me… FUMING!)

"so you cant help me? Get me your manager? who is in-charge here?"

"you please sit there, ill call her in ten minutes! She is busy"(1. shitt! Again some lady- its hard to handle these ladies… you cant be in your straightforward screaming mode. 2. BUSY??? WHF??? You called me all the way from dwarka just to say "I cant help you" and now BUSY??? Does that mean am not busy...???... Of course am not busy, but that doesn matter...)

"hey! Am an idiot or what??? Coming all the way from dwarka to kirti nagar, shelling out 200 bucks (oops! 100 rs jyada) all for this…. "I cant attend" "you have to wait" , get me your madam!"
(ah that scared her, she raced to get her mam…)

Scene II

(gosh! And she is wearing this dark red lipstick and … and seemingly light-pink BLUSH too!!!... And is a stunner no doubt… what's this beauty doin in this silly service centre, I wonder???)

(plastic smile first)

"sir we cant help you!, its our policy sir, we cant attend products not under warranty"

"you can charge me extra!, moreover why didn’t you tell me this when I called earlier? In fact you people confirmed that I can come to get my lappy fixed..."

"I apologize sir, am really sorry for the inconvenience "
(oh! Even I felt sorry!... I mean pretty lady like her... and all sorry and apologetic… any stonehearted beast would melt…But this was my lappy at stake… I had to make a choice)

"oh! So u've opened this whole damned den to make people popat??? give me your name! (I wasn’t sure if asking her number would be appropriate) , ill make sure this doesn’t go unnoticed!"

"XYZ, but I surely cant help you in any case… sorry sir!"

"ok! Ill be help to you then… you may help people better after I complaint to whoever I can…"
So I bid her goodbye… leaving her red-faced, with about 15-20 people standing and staring in queue.

Its rare that you get to rant your frustrations out at such beautiful thingies… (even feels bad) lol… but guess it wasn’t just me being the jerk… they had done their bit… calling me all the way from home just to tell me that they cant attend… so I did what am good at...

Am I confused? Or am I not?

The story starts when I was in class 6th. I remember Mrs Annapurna mam, my social science teacher, telling this to my mother that even though am good at few things, I always underperform due to my confusion at understanding things.

Its been a while, and more or less I am sure that I've realized what she meant that time, and ive hardly improved ever since. Even as I write this am confused, as to what's the point writing this? Who reads my blog? And why? Does anyone care? And if I don't care about others and I don’t write for others, what's the point writing all of this? And then putting up on blog?

Confusion is something that’s so engrained in my DNA, that I donno if I really am confused all the time or its just been touch and go all this while.
Confusion to me is not the general confusion that all of us feel, say in choosing things or making a choice in general. Confusion in a far greater scope, that is when I try to make sense out of things, derive meanings or just make justify my actions.

Say…
- What am I doing engineering for?
- 1. I need to do it cause papa says so--- why should papa decide what a profession I choose?
- 2. its cool to be engineer, to be in DCE --- cool? Who r you foolin around with? Ur own self? U know what DCE really is!
- 3. to learn IT, computers… cause am interested in it.--- all am interested in is games, net, orkut, blog…
- And I feel like just junking the course, but the whole embrace of security DCE provides me and the counterpoints I have make me stay and I try.

- And things like...
- Why is good - good?, honesty, benevolence, an al the crap that u listen… whats the point following em… to help others?--- follow others dogma? What is the limit of good… and the boundary to bad… how much true and what count of lies?... What amount of patience and what quantity of resistance?

- Is smoking good? Nope? Then why have people been smoking it since time unknown, and still do? Is it dented psyche or twisted logic being presented to us?

- Should I buy a branded jeans just for the heck of it… spending papa's hard earned money or just a cheap one to show my concern for money to parents or the one that I like… no brands… just the one I like?

- Is career important or the enjoyment in doing things I like… I like to follow… I like to study… ? They say you can only succeed in things only in which u can put your heart in… but without following would I be able to learn things I need to know?

Why isnt selfish good, as Ayn rand justifies it to be?... It cant and shouldn’t be true… for people are and made to be social… and its symbiosis that we survive upon, not selfishness...

- AND WHY IS EVERYTHING SO REALTIVE? One mans logic is other mans stupidity? Why are the limits of good, justifiable and judicious different for different people, and even if they are, why am I not sure about mine?
Every thing I do, every decision I make, this thing craps my mind completely.
I feel I cant fully justify even a single decision I make or take.

I feel ashamed… as to why isn't things as they are for me. I donno why I cant justify me to my own self.
I donno what others think or tell or do… I don’t care, yet why am I not oblivious to everything that others tell, see and do?
Why am a slave of my psyche than my logic?
Why is it all so relative.


I feel ashamed that I donno what I am to do? And still live with it everyday...
The gross indecisiveness is complete paranoia.

Most of the times am in control of it, but sometimes its these fits of madness and am complete blank, and naked and shamelessly standing a loser in front of my own logic of judgments and choices I've made , I feel sheer shame… shame and all shame.

The call

During the training at Jaipur , we, the group c with theory classes between 6pm to 830pm had our lab practice hours from 10 pm to 2am night. Initially we were so enthused by the whole linux stuff that we went all grumpy to get it extended and now the people of group c could share the lab with girls in the morning (since girls couldn’t come at night 10-2 session they had been allotted special morning time 6am-830am for practice). Lol and that was cool!

But excitement lasted only a few days since we, specially myself, found it herculean to sleep at 2am and then again wake up at 5:30 for lab practice. (Nigam, the topper was always on top here too! Waking up all by himself by 5am or so… I donno exactly … cause by the time I was having a grandiose wake up from bed… he was all bathed and ready … and STUDYING!!!, of course!).

It was usually the case that we got late, as neither me nor ap could wake up that early.( for ap, the reason being that he had some really important calls from foreign lands (read as gf) to attend late night).

One fine morning…

Time 5:30 am, its all dark outside… a typical day when you throw your screaming alarm clock and go to sleep again.

Like other days, we all were sound asleep.

Haa -aa -aa -- oo -- aahh…--oo --aaaaahhhh (now that’s how my phone rings- actually its an opera singer screaming ringtone)

WTF???

itni subah kaun... beep... beep... beep... kar raha hai ??? ............. Itni subah???........jisne bhi kiya hai uska dimaag kharab hai???.... beep beep beep !!!!

Nigam woke up.. Looked at me like "????" (he has this peculiar look when I throw in some typical hostellers-special expletives... But its funny!)

All sleepy, clearing the eye mud… I noticed... Aastha calling???

(there were also missed calls from Swati and Ankita)

This early???

What? What could be so urgent?

Was I in some mortal danger?

A problem? Something serious?

Certainly it had to be something really serious, otherwise why else… aastha… this early….

(thousand ominous theories crossed my mind as I picked up…)

Aastha : Hello! Abhishek go to Ap's room immediately!

Me : why? Kya hua?

Aastha: arre don ask questions, no time for it, go fast! Its urgent!

(what? What happened to ap? Was he in danger? How could myself living next room not know what was happening to Ap while aastha n al can find it from girls hostel…)

Me: ok baba! Going! Going! Hold!

Aastha: Yes! Go fast!

Me: yup! Am there… ap is fine… sound asleep (I was relieved).. No-problemo with him!

Aastha: arre stupid! Its not about Ap! What about him roomie?

Me: WTF??? ROOMIE???... ROOMIE???

Aastha: Ya! Wake him up!

Me: WHAT??? Wake him up??? For what??? He is sound asleep!!!

Aastha: do as told! And do it fast!

(this must be really serious! I thought, may be Ap's roomie has taken some serious panga's with aastha… poor him…and so I woke him up)

Me: haan! Utha diya! Ab bol!

Aastha: Now ask him where RAMASHANKER is???

(oh! I thought, So he was the real culprit!... But who was he??? What had he done to earn aastha's wrath???... A GUNs and BINs part II ???)

Me: Peyush sorry yaar! Par plz bata ye ramashanker kahan milega??? Uska room et al???

Peyush: I donno him (all mud eyed and sleepy)

Me: He says I donno him!

Aastha: He's lying! He's lying! Asking him to tell where he is!!!

(oh! So this sounds like a conspiracy! Piyush conspiring with Mr. Ramashanker… taking panga's with aastha… lol aah! Trouble for the chap!)

Me: yaar he is adamant! He doesn’t know anything he says….

(ha! pretending to be innocent!, I thought... I know he has done something silly with you ppl… Aastha don worry, am all help ,for you ppl)

Aastha: accha! Koi ni! No probs…

Me: KYA??? (WTF???) NO PROBS??? Kyun??? Why did you call for Ramashanker exactly??? Who is he???

Aastha: Nothing ! Actually sir had called him for the morning classes also… so we were just checking if you people know him…. And may be we can inform him that it would be better if he comes… he is in our group 50….

Me: "!@#$%^&*()_" - that’s how my face was like after all that tense 5 minutes… I was completely shaken… had woke up nigam, ap and his unfortunate roomie… thought about all the doom universe can throw in at me and others…. All for this no one-for no reason and a total non-issue called RAMASHANKER ???

Lesson learnt: I never kept my phone switched on at night thereafter… even alarms were in switch off mode... who knows… aastha may call any time… better safe than sorry!

not just ordinary...

"All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away… " - Fuel in their song shimmer

But some memories live. Gleam and never fade. For memories, like ideas are never created with a premonition , or a plan to make them last… they just happen, and may be they are meant to be so.

Its been nearly 3 weeks since I've been back from Jaipur networking training. It was an experience out of ordinary. Spending 25 days away from home, in an out of town college with friends and eating, living, spending time together, working together and being there for each other… cant be ordinary. Of innumerable memories that have been made on the trip, I guess a few certainly stand out, and one such evening will be something I will remember for quite some time...

Task number 4.

It was meant to be a bonus group task of 30 marks. Bamboo (the nettech lingo for test). We had failed in all our previous three attempts at group tasks. (both me, nigam , ap in group 40 and aastha, Swati, ankita, vartika n jyoti in group 50)(lol. I remember the group numbers… see!) and were desperate for success. The task as other previous ones wasn't that easy, yet not that hard, bit time consuming and required some bit of mind but quite a bit of coordination and some good piece of luck.

Luckily this time (group 40) we made it, yet to everybody's (me-nig-ap's) surprise Aastha-Swati (group-50) weren't that lucky. May be they missed out on their coordination part (Guns and Bins factor [;)]). Since it was our and one other group's first successful task and that too after three consecutive failures, atmosphere was all filled with our victory jig's and winner salutes, after we did it . The din was stopped soon as papers of previous day's theory test were to be distributed.

It started and Rajiv (the guy who checked papers) started with his daily dose of funda's:

Rajiv : Jin logon ne cheat kara hai unka paper rakh liya jayega, and will be asked how they answered… ya to fir 0 de denge!

(Oh! Same ol dialogue everyday!, I thought)

Then papers started to get distributed…

1 min up : I din get my paper.

2 min up : I din get my paper. Ap got his paper… (4 marks I guess- hard luck for him this time due to a cheeky question)

3 min up: I still haven't got my paper. Even Nigam (topper again! 6 marks!) has got his paper… in fact nearly all of the people, voila! WTF??? Where is mine??? Was my paper withheld for cheating… oh no! f^^^!

I did stared at Nigam's paper last time, but I din cheat! No!

Just as my heart beats were racing a grand prix I saw Santu sir calling me in hushed tone.

F^^^! Yaar I didn’t cheat! Was I going to be disgraced publicly?

Should I run?

Is hiding an option?

And just when I was coming to him I saw him pointing towards something… and saying , "go comfort your friends!".

I looked that side and voila!

That really shook me at first sight! Aastha, Vartika and even Swati were getting bit senti.( Not for the marks but cause they didn’t make it in the bonus task.) Now handling moist eyed girls is something definitely out of my league… I tried my best comforting them, with whatever third grade comforting dialogues I could manage… it was just a test... You are winner... an stuff…

As expected they were hardly comforted, time to get help! AP! NIGAM!

Ap and nigam are surely heroes at the time of peril, they came in and eased things quite a bit.

Nigam's camera got some good clicks too, lol.

And yes I did get my paper back, the last paper to be distributed was mine… score was good!

With so much tension about the test and what followed, class was suspended that evening by Santu sir.

And the five of us (me, nig, ap, asta, swat) just lay languid in the lawns of JMIT for the next 2 hours or so… discussing things far from what we usually break our heads on… lol

Seems funny that "we" were discussing the life ahead, things like marriage, honeymoon(that wasn’t me! And neither was it Nigam nor Ap nor Swati),children… Paris... and more…

That sunset, the lawn, the silly jokes, the effort in keeping the mood light for Aastha and Swati…. the company of friends, that tacit bond of support that we anchored for each other… everything! As I try to recollect , there's certainly something magical… I mean I can remember it so vividly, something like in slow motion…

Was it ordinary?

I guess it wasn’t…