its all smoke, this rain...

my rains started with fire...
mixing it in my breath, poisoning my blood, numbing my senses... i feel light... free soul.
as i slowly burn it and it burns me inside, i feel releived of the pain that simmers inside me, burning me.
its rain and its smoke....

is it breathlessness, nausea or sheer exasperation of my body or the thirst of my soul that makes me wonder,
why is it all smoky? unclear? unanswered?
or may be the question needs rephrase.. am i the smoke... or is it all smoke inside out..???

its rain and its smoke.
or may be its all smoke, this rain...

Of things I learnt in second year

##Stay away from bandi, no matter what, no matter why, no matter when! Its always trouble. (for greater insight on this, see my first year's conclusion)


##Vestigial organs can cause troubling condition like appendicitis.; just as the vestigial friends and acquaintances cause loss of food, beverages, alcohol , bandi's attention (and thus fun) at your treats, fests and parties. So keep em at bay!

##Never tell Mr. Antriksh to get printouts. Serious loss of money, time and headache ensues.
& never tell Miss Aastha to decide on a choice of things. Serious loss of call balance and headache ensues.

##The idea of permanence is a source of great misery. Its indispensible to stand prepared for a change. Which means, Its always good to be prepared for backstabbing/ditching/no help from anyone (unexpected).

##When defeated blame one person you hate the most and try directing the mob on him/her. It feels better! And it serves the purpose.

Of dashed hopes and lost aspirations..

They say I should be happy…

Why?

I see no reason, I find it hard… to pretend… to live life as it comes… to try make people happy, to make those ingrates smile and make them satisfied and keep being hollowed within…. with my dashed hopes and unfulfilled aspirations.

I joke around, make faces, being the clown… try to make people laugh, but is that it? Is that what am supposed to do?

Actually am very much confused as to what I want in life. I hate being the crowd. But voila! I am the crowd. Am just another rat in this rat race of chasing "others" dreams...

My interests rot in my heart as I keep chasing the goals that others have set for me... parents, peer, public. I chase to achieve marks, I chase to achieve popularity, I chase to achieve a status of being "cool". Yet those little dreams in the heart of my hearts cry to be heard… to be chased… to be fulfilled. I find myself far too fearful to leave this fake embrace of security… be it social, physical, financial that this society has on offer, to follow my own agenda.

I often ask myself if I , like every one of them shall live.. erudite in this corrupted education , shall earn my bread… reproduce… age… and die a "no one".

Will I ever be happy making others happy?... But others are like me too (at least of most of them)… just ordinary… they too shall never be happy. Or may be they will… for they don’t know of what they are chasing, what they are, what they want…

Will I ever be free from this crowd of ingrate and ignorant? Or I shall be with them, among them… one of "them"?

Ignorance is certainly bliss. Had I not been conscious of what I am, and what I want, may be then I too would have been happy… and then I wouldn’t have known that I wasn’t happy and that could have made me pretend to be happy...

Or may be… and most probably I don’t know the whole truth yet . In search of greater truth I shall dedicate this life… and truth shall set me free…

ab bakwaas nahi likhunga....

after a virulent set of diatribes... against everything... (mostly myself).... seems i hav vented out most of my angst ....

ab bakwaas nahi likhunga!