कभी कभी (Sahir Ludhiyanvi)

कभी कभी मेरे दिल मैं ख्याल आता हैं

कि ज़िंदगी तेरी जुल्फों कि नर्म छांव मैं गुजरने पाती

तो शादाब हो भी सकती थी।

यह रंज-ओ-ग़म कि सियाही जो दिल पे छाई हैं

तेरी नज़र कि शुओं मैं खो भी सकती थी।

मगर यह हो न सका और अब ये आलम हैं

कि तू नहीं, तेरा ग़म तेरी जुस्तजू भी नहीं।

गुज़र रही हैं कुछ इस तरह ज़िंदगी जैसे,

इससे किसी के सहारे कि आरझु भी नहीं.

न कोई राह, न मंजिल, न रौशनी का सुराग

भटक रहीं है अंधेरों मैं ज़िंदगी मेरी.

इन्ही अंधेरों मैं रह जाऊँगा कभी खो कर

मैं जानता हूँ मेरी हम-नफस, मगर यूंही

कभी कभी मेरे दिल मैं ख्याल आता है.

P.S. A poem that has always been a faithful compatriot in pain pleasure and life.

Life, Love and Pain

Whats life without love and pain?

Who has lived without love and pain?

Who shall ever succeed without love and pain?

How can one think of accomplishing something... anything without loving it. And if one falls in love, he shall take all pains... for pain becomes easy... yet it remains pain... and that pain shall again lead to a sense of accomplishment and in turn more love....

Everyone has his share of love and pain. They run to find true love. They take pains to find love. They love. And then there is pain. Nothing is permanent. Neither love nor pain. And each leads to other.

Nothing is permanent.

The idea of permanence has and will always be the source of greatest miseries. The idea that love will last. Forever. The thought that a particular misery shall remain forever. Forever. Nothing lasts.

I wonder if love and pain are different at all.

Is pain beautiful?

I dont know. The more ive felt. The more ive known. The more ive accommodated it. In ways and in things... it seems harmless. Its like a needle in heart and and it just stays... like a needle... there... and it hurts only when one tries to find a way to move it... remove it.. to explore it. And pain then leads to anger and anger to destruction. But the more one accommodates pain, the more once accepts it... it always gets all the more easier. All the more bearable. All the more guiding. All the more inspiring.

Poets, artists... there have been many.

In fact, in ways, i think all ive ever written, ever created, is a shenanigan of pain.

I pined for love and all i got was pain. This pain changed things. Pain lead me to love again. Things. Ways. And then love will again lead me to pain... and i will love again for some more pain... and so shall i trapped in this cycle... forever? (is this cycle permanent?)

****************************

Destiny versus free will

Does god play dice?
-An immortal query by the greatest physicist history ever saw... Einstein.
Before i extrapolate more on the same lets ponder over something we all go through.

I wake up every day. Go about doing my job. Some days turn out great... things keep falling in to place. Some days aren’t that good. Things don’t go as I wanted them to go. Now do i attribute them to destiny or the choices i make? Or in very general terms, is my life predefined? Is there a destiny which governs the way we do things... or the way we are to do things?

Many would agree and many would disagree. I personally in principle attribute all my successes as well as failures on nothing by my own choices, my free will. I believe this because on any fine day I can sit down and prudently think over my past choices and can find that my present situation can be attributed to those past decisions. On the contrary my god-fearing parents, even though they go about doing there karma, believe that even beyond karma there lies a power controlling us all. They believe in destiny. Who is correct?

To answer that lets consider a few questions.
Why is a person born rich and another poor?
Why is someone more talented in some skill than others?
Why some people go on to achieve glory while many people with may be higher skill set don’t?
Why this earth? And
Why does life exist? (Considering the fact that our life governed by the tiniest of atoms, and even a minute change in their proportion in any element can change the whole universe...)

The answer is: There are no conclusive answers. People justify them according to one line of thought or the other. Mind you, they only justify. No one has ever proved what it is.

So terming everything the way it happens as free will, is myopic. It’s just another justification; you cannot prove it in all situations. On the other hand when destiny is concerned; well you can’t prove it either. But it leaves pretty much a lot of room as to what can happen. Destiny can be made from our choices, the same way as destiny is usually presumed to be governing our choices. And this friend is the most overlooked fact.
What I mean to convey is, that there is a middle ground to it.

Life is a sum of choices we make and other variables influence it as well. These variables work beyond our control and form what we can call luck and chance.
For example, Say Tomorrow I leave for an exam and have forgot to take my admit card. And just then a friend was talking about admit card reminded me of the same. And that saved me lots of inconvenience.
Now closely examine. The fact that before the exam, I had not put that admit card in my bag due to my laziness or carelessness was my choice. But that friend and his appearance was an external factor that saved me.

This is what happens every time. Now some people totally attribute that laziness, that choice not to put the admit card in to bag as their choice and coming of the friend as totally normal.....

<----To be continued--->

Come so far

Life is a roller coaster.

I started in small obscure towns... bilaspur... bhatgaon... ramgundam... then it got bigger (wonder if it was for the better)... Hyderabad.. Kolkata... Delhi...

Lots of places... People.. Friends... Love... Infatuations.. insinuations.. dunno what...

But its been not that hard.

Long back my Grand Pa had a similar story to tell. Although much hard. I remember my dad telling me of the childhood grand pa had. A boy of a small farmer with an average holding, they did not even have toilet at home in the small, far flung village in Bihar. He lost his father at an age when i could not even buy groceries, may be at 7-8. His class room was below a banyan tree in village with the archetypal hindi movie master-ji with a "chadi" teaching them mathematics. He toiled in kerosene lamps/oil lanterns... in fields with whatever resources his mother could obtain from the small holding and farm. Being the elder brother he was also responsible for his younger sibling. He worked hard and he made it. The boy made his mother his brother and his village proud. He qualified for the biggest a village boy could think those days, The Birla institute of technology, Mesra (Ranchi). The struggle did not end there, he further worked hard. Qualified other entrances and made it to the best of jobs, a Railway engineer. He worked his way through hardwork, even worked with Alstom(1960's). Europe...Paris, France.. it all happened to him. He truly is a hero,for all i know about him.

My father was also a much self made man. Became an engineer. A successful one i should say. A government engineer, he followed his fathers footsteps.

My brother had his share too. After years preparing for medical entrances after class 12th.. he could barely qualify for any of the medical entrances. A disappointed one, he left for far down in Chennai in some obscure university to study something (B.E, biotech) he never really thought he would. And struggled enough for four good years to score a mind boggling 88% in college exams. Qualified for a Stanford-Ntu scholarship... left abroad.

And that leaves me. I dunno. I wonder of i was ever cut to become an engineer and to ever succeed in it. Ive struggled throughout as an engineering student. Barely passed and dragged with the course. MBA could not excite me and placements at college only showed me where i stood. I dunno what life has in store for me... I wonder if i would ever figure out what i want let alone achieving it...

get a lil crazy

I have this thing do things over and over again... Not like some maniac psycho disease to repeat again and again.... But just to keep getting screwed. I just *refuse* to learn. :(

Its something like a small child who touches a hot rod and then gets to know that its hot and never touches again.... well my case is that i keep trying to pick that F8cked up rod again and again, how so burnt my hand get in the process.

Last 3 and half years of college and i know how trapped i am in situations of my own devise. Teachers pick on me. I enter a store and things keep falling. Lab equipments break the moment i touch em. Computers output random messages when i type...

There was once i typed something random (ok! it was some slang!)... just fiddling with the FTP and computer prompted

"child died" .... WTF?

And the other time when i repeated the same it even warned and i guess i shut down after displaying...

"You have violated some.... *blah*... this incident will be recorded and reported to administrator"

WTF again???

And then there was this condom incident that i wrote about in the blog a while back.

Such things... big and small... keep happening and like it never ends. And sometimes it get to sickening and like... very bad...

And then there are things that can certainly be avoided like.. things which SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.... like the one.... * i cant talk about that incident *... but just for the glimpse i spent a lot on something... it was worthless... my 3 months of savings... gone!... and 6 months down the line i guess i have done it again...

I just loose reason. and i do things without thinking. I can still recall that i could have just waited for a minute and thought bout it and... and could have saved myself. But looser that i am i did it again.

Screw me!!! :X

***********************

Yeah am frustrated.. AAAARRRGHHHHHHHH!!!! :X :( :X :( :X :(

10 things to do tmrw

1. Study

2. Study

3.Study

4.Study

5.Study

..

.

.

.

.

.

.

433. Study

P.S. F*ck! i know i still wont study! :(

Happy days and Halo nights :D

Sometimes life is just too good to digest. (yeah i had some problems the next morning (:P))

*****************************

The day was 10/1/10 and the occasion was AP's treat. Twas headed for a big cancellation like many other times.

Snil - Germany

Rash - NO

Sid - Hadoop

Nig - Desky shopping

Swat - Family planning (oops! :P i mean family ke saath plan)

So there i stood at the Karol Bagh metro station in that absolutely frigid January winter fog wondering which side to move?

6 stations left for Rajori or 15 stations right to hostel. (what was i doing at Karol bagh? amm... could be nything... may be nothing). Some consultations with Asta and finally i sensed there could be a treat here. Treat hungry that i am, I moved to Rajori only to discover it was just the troika of the three of us, as expected. AP, Asta and Me with some really cool money to spare. Without much bickering as is the usual case when the congregation is "big", we decided for Khaja Chowk.

What followed was a sumptuous round of food and beverages (:D ) and full circle of gossip and lame jokes. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Masala Shikanji was the only thing that looked odd the bill (:P). Who says life in 8th sem is that bad?

(although i guess the bill did set back AP with a lot of the moolah :P)

*******************************

Back to hostel i knew a war was in the offing. Halo wars (HALO rocks! :D). With a never before gathering of 6 gamers and not much glitches (usually the shortages of mouse or a plug or seating) it was just pure "Gaming Bliss". 2 Rooms- 3 ppl each and rounds of slayer, odd ball, Hill and Juggernaut.. kills, double kills And Killing spree reverberating the room.. its an experience out of the world!

Delta, ChChP, Kanno, sakiBOY and Spitfire. 5 hours. 10PM to 3 AM. Non stop gaming Plus a mini snacks break. Hats off! that was a nite to remember. :D

Lifes bit painful at times. But hey! some days are just happy days and Halo nights :D

P.S. Btw the day that followed wasn't that bad either. <:(>

The critique of pure awesome

(Sometimes i feel am * awesome* and then i criticize)

1) I hate people who don't manage their gastronomical business at home and contribute to the *gas tragedies* commonplace in packed metro coaches.

2)I hate *fit and fine* aunties with scant disregard for any queue who use their *women* status for usurping just anybody from their seats.

3)I hate the tangled wires of my mp3 player earphones. Every time i take em out they are like the biggest mystery.. whoa! who tangled the wires like that?

4)I hate my stupid laptop which takes full 4 minutes to start up.

5)I hate when am forced to bath every other day in this chilly winter.

6)And I absolutely hate it to wake up everyday and just be there… useless… helpless and plain boring...