They say I should be happy…
Why?
I see no reason, I find it hard… to pretend… to live life as it comes… to try make people happy, to make those ingrates smile and make them satisfied and keep being hollowed within…. with my dashed hopes and unfulfilled aspirations.
I joke around, make faces, being the clown… try to make people laugh, but is that it? Is that what am supposed to do?
Actually am very much confused as to what I want in life. I hate being the crowd. But voila! I am the crowd. Am just another rat in this rat race of chasing "others" dreams...
My interests rot in my heart as I keep chasing the goals that others have set for me... parents, peer, public. I chase to achieve marks, I chase to achieve popularity, I chase to achieve a status of being "cool". Yet those little dreams in the heart of my hearts cry to be heard… to be chased… to be fulfilled. I find myself far too fearful to leave this fake embrace of security… be it social, physical, financial that this society has on offer, to follow my own agenda.
I often ask myself if I , like every one of them shall live.. erudite in this corrupted education , shall earn my bread… reproduce… age… and die a "no one".
Will I ever be happy making others happy?... But others are like me too (at least of most of them)… just ordinary… they too shall never be happy. Or may be they will… for they don’t know of what they are chasing, what they are, what they want…
Will I ever be free from this crowd of ingrate and ignorant? Or I shall be with them, among them… one of "them"?
Ignorance is certainly bliss. Had I not been conscious of what I am, and what I want, may be then I too would have been happy… and then I wouldn’t have known that I wasn’t happy and that could have made me pretend to be happy...
Or may be… and most probably I don’t know the whole truth yet . In search of greater truth I shall dedicate this life… and truth shall set me free…
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