Heartfelt….

Ankit "bihari" often asks me most of the times, finding me gazing somewhere, thinking something, lost somewhere …. Are u alone? Feeling low or what?

I only reply… am never alone! Never!

And today sitting all by myself in this abominable lull of hostel room, as I reflect on the same thoughts…

Am I alone? who stands with me in this cold cold night???

The thoughts are pretty much clear that am not alone… I have long befriended this lack of company. I have with me my consciousness, my memories, my emptiness, an eternal shadow of past failures , the eternal sunshine of the times I shared with the people I cared , I loved.

Is it a low that am suffering, am I sad???

Lol.. No! not that sad, not that lonely . Fairly happy, fairly satisfied.

Loneliness is not being without a company, its far more vicious. Being lonely is to be in company of "friends" and yet finding the absence of a single soul in whose eyes you can look, and forget the miseries, the pain and ...and may be share the those little joys.

It does not feel that bad when a known peer makes fun of you in midst of whole crowd and you find yourself being laughed at, but it surely hurts when you are not returned a caring HI! or even a faint hint of smile when you wish hello to the person whom you once considered your best friend.

It surely doesn’t feel that cold when u are without that warm sweater in these cold winters of Delhi, but the coldness bites when it is from the person whom you’ve always tried to be warm with, helped, cared and never had any expectations, but a return of warmth when needed the most.

It isn't that painful when you find yourself getting poor grades in spite of your best efforts, but it surely chokes when being ridiculed over your performance by the one person in whose success you’ve always found your happiness.

And the pain is sheer agony and frustration when someone dear ditches u in crossroads for someone else… someone whom you find better in every aspect than yourself…. And all you are left with is some more emptiness…