just another word...

oxymoron /ksmrn/ n. M17. [Gk oxumoron use as n. of neut. sing. of oxumoros pointedly foolish, f. oxus (see OXY-) + moros foolish (see MORON).] A rhetorical figure of speech in which markedly contradictory terms appear in conjunction so as to emphasize the statement; gen. a contradiction in terms.
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Excerpted from Oxford Talking Dictionary
Copyright © 2007 The Learning Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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For many its just a word. A self-contradiction, a part of speech, vocabulary, general English language. It seems funny, a joke, when you actually be in an oxymoronic situation, may be when you reflect back at your life, the way you are and whole mess you have been through, you are and will always be and you find it all contradictory. But as you realize that you could've been without the whole mess, and then finally it turns that the whole mess was you … the pun starts to fade. I always wanted to be good, that loving-caring 'angel' but the only feeling that I arouse in people, at least the ones I wanted to be good with, is pathos…

I love this song called 'Always' by saliva, a stanza of it goes…
"I love you
I hate you
I can live without you.
I breathe you
I taste you
I can't live without you. "

So oxymoronic, so meaningless you may say, To intensely hate a person and to still love the same may be the most equivocal, ambiguous statements, yet the pain it embalms can only be felt. It’s a feeling beyond criticism or appreciation in words.
I felt it. May be today…
No jokes, it hurts bad. Especially in the ways I felt it. Somewhere down the centre left of chest it starts to burn, its intense, its painful and beyond the relief of companionship, console or medicine. Having someone as a friend, as a companion, with you, near you, around you and yet feeling that absence, an absence not in the body and spirits, but in the ways you wanted the whole scene to be…
May be that’s what Oxymoron(ic) means….

Its just a word. I 'felt' what it means.

love, friendship and me....

What is friendship???
A so called socially approved, morally correct relationship of symbiosis between two individuals having something common to share. But mind the word " symbiosis", in no ways has a selfless tag attached to it. In fact this symbiosis is just a guise for everyone's parasitism. You may argue that you will do anything for your friend, but alas! So do, all my so called friends say. Even I say so! But in the heart of my hearts they as well as I know its all fake, just a mockery of human emotion of being that caring angel. Consider a catch-22 situation and relate yourself to it you will defiantly find the answer that it was for yourself and yourself alone that you had cared for. And this is no baseless hypothesis am making, this is just the plain truth in what little experience* I had with all type of "friends". They all stab you, and if not stab they very much ignore or leave you when you find yourself in all the helluva misery or need company.

* ~(I would also like to share that I've studied in 6 schools in 5 cities from class 1-12 and nearly 2 years in college, making friends with all the types of people. From the fringe group of useless backbenchers, to the extroverted party animals, to bookworms, to a combination of all, to the "stick with nobody/everybody" mongrels.)

So am I not the friend to my friends???
Am I just another back-stabbing villain, as I myself had concluded??? lol (May be… a whole lot depends on the way you think…)
Rather than a friend I would like to be called a trustworthy symbiot. No more, no less. K lemme explain.

Mmm… well it was in the midst of last sem that I truly started to believe in what I have written above, and since then I've tried to follow this;
1. Am no friend to nobody. I stopped expecting things from people, specially from "friends".
2. And I don’t consider any enemies.( But provoke me and I will seek every heaven and hell to hurt you a badly as I can.)
3. Those who ignore me, I simply stop being with them.
4.Seeking a win- win situation for all, I follow pure symbiosis with the philosophy that doing good gets you good (lol. See justin timberlake's what goes around comes around - video, for more).

Now that will make you think… yaar! this stupid misanthropic despot is not worth wasting any emotions, friendship least of all.
But trust me,
My symbiosis is pure!, help me and I will help you, love me and I love you back, no malice, no jokes!
And the added feature among all is that I don expect things from you, Just some goodwill that I can sense(not even a goodwill gesture).
But just don’t fuck with me. I can be emotionless.

The Twisted transistor®

Firstly let me clear it once and for all that this isn't a travelogue or even a faint attempt at writing an adventure essay. This is just a "memorabilia" I am attempting to "write" so that it always remains bright and clear, that sometimes it is these simple trips to these unusual places you visit that makes the whole life thing seem a whole lot more fun!
So today we (myself, amar-the most faadu/amazing/humble/humorous, anumpam-automobile geek/the moustache guy/the studious guy)went for a excursion to nai sadak. As most of who are reading this would already know that the place is where you get all kinds of new/old books.(Yes books that we consider "untouchables" till the arrival of exam season). And most of the people also would ask … books??? And me(abhi)???, well actually my abysmally pathetic situation in the last sem really forced me to reconsider my stand at least regarding purchase of books. So there i found myself in midst of all the books, the market, the ballyhoo of nai sadak of purani Delhi.
And unambiguously, I had the time of my life. The whole market seemed to be more thrilling than a roller coaster ride in amusement park. Being there in all that mad rush, the jostling crowd, the busy market, the unending bargains… well looking at the repetitive schedule of collage life, all were sheer joys of life.
Of course the high point of the trip was all the savoring food we had. From fresh baked cookies to paani puri to papdi chaat to the mouth watering paranthas of paranthe-wali gali, we tried it all. The trip ended with full glasses of mausambi juice and then a round of carrot juice lol.

And now you might ask why is this piece of shitty essay called a twisted transistor??? Well that’s cause the luck charm of this trip happened to be our good ol blockbuster from the master rockers "the KORN". And trust me I left no stone unturned to listen as well to make the song heard to every god dam worthy soul on the trip( and that includes our cookie wale bhaiya to book wale bhaiya to even the bull that crossed our path on the road!)

Heartfelt….

Ankit "bihari" often asks me most of the times, finding me gazing somewhere, thinking something, lost somewhere …. Are u alone? Feeling low or what?

I only reply… am never alone! Never!

And today sitting all by myself in this abominable lull of hostel room, as I reflect on the same thoughts…

Am I alone? who stands with me in this cold cold night???

The thoughts are pretty much clear that am not alone… I have long befriended this lack of company. I have with me my consciousness, my memories, my emptiness, an eternal shadow of past failures , the eternal sunshine of the times I shared with the people I cared , I loved.

Is it a low that am suffering, am I sad???

Lol.. No! not that sad, not that lonely . Fairly happy, fairly satisfied.

Loneliness is not being without a company, its far more vicious. Being lonely is to be in company of "friends" and yet finding the absence of a single soul in whose eyes you can look, and forget the miseries, the pain and ...and may be share the those little joys.

It does not feel that bad when a known peer makes fun of you in midst of whole crowd and you find yourself being laughed at, but it surely hurts when you are not returned a caring HI! or even a faint hint of smile when you wish hello to the person whom you once considered your best friend.

It surely doesn’t feel that cold when u are without that warm sweater in these cold winters of Delhi, but the coldness bites when it is from the person whom you’ve always tried to be warm with, helped, cared and never had any expectations, but a return of warmth when needed the most.

It isn't that painful when you find yourself getting poor grades in spite of your best efforts, but it surely chokes when being ridiculed over your performance by the one person in whose success you’ve always found your happiness.

And the pain is sheer agony and frustration when someone dear ditches u in crossroads for someone else… someone whom you find better in every aspect than yourself…. And all you are left with is some more emptiness…

And finally I(we) did it!

Actually this isn't any feat that we have achieved, a mammoth task completed or a herculean mountain moved, its just that I finally did what actually started as a challenge, a 'dare' to be precise and later became a kind of fantasy, an obsession.
I had thought about the stupidity and sickness of the whole point of doing it and it had prevented me from attempting this for so long . But finally in the mind-bending company of really sick people of CVR friends association I did it. Am not entirely blaming them for doing it but it is not equivocal to say that without their company I wouldn’t even have had thought about it.
The idea struck me as a bolt from blue as we were returning after Bhaskar's treat. A delicious course of tangy Thai food had numbed our senses and minds. Wild we are, never even thinking twice as to what we were attempting at, we went in there under the chilly-foggy shroud of January winters and and
And….
Oh! I must tell u this….
I pissed on the wall of SNH! Oh Yes! Call me a sick despot but I did it! Right there in that old red brick wall right behind that" zoo-hostel"!