outside.

Music to me is….. everything!

I have spent months without social contacts… on sheer music… I guess I can feel it as it flows in my veins...

Of hundreds of songs and artists that I've worshipped , I guess if I've ever felt something close to my heart… this was the closest.

Its called "OUTSIDE", by staind

(do try and listen to this one… its something so intoxicating… no liquor can ever match… if you can relate yourself to this one, in any way)

Outside… (the way I felt it...)

And you

Can bring me to my knees

Yeah

(of all the ones I ever met, I found you the only one with whom the deal wasn’t about winning or loosing… it was sheer surrender, to all your whims, for all your wishes…)

All this time

That I could make you breathe

Yeah

(and I think of the times when I was with you, your own…)

All the times

That I felt insecure

Yeah

(and I think of all the times, when I thought about not being able to be there for you… that guilt)

And I leave

A burning path of flame

(and now as I look back, all that's left behind is a trail of painful past…)

I’m on the outside

I’m looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

Cause inside you’re ugly

You’re Ugly like me

I can see through you

See to the real you

(but today, in this inebriation, it feels like am standing away, above, untouched by everything, and I still see you… but you don’t seem the same as I had imagined, I find you the same… but same like me!

I had convinced myself that I was not good enough… not that pure, not that secure... to be with you.

But now its so painful to find that you too weren't the angel I imagined you were!

And inside you were as bad as I was. Worse! You saw it all, and and… still… you left me there… all alone...)

All the times

That I’ve cried

All that’s wasted

It’s all inside

(and you know what? All that past, that pain, it hasn’t gone! Its all there!.... Still there, burning…inside...and reminding me of everything)

And I feel

All this pain

Stuffed it down

It’s back again

(its all pain now, pathos…)

And I lie

Here in bed

All alone

I can’t mend

(the loneliness… and I cant correct a thing that I went wrong with…)

And I feel

Tomorrow will be okay ….

(still I hope… I hope that tomorrow ill feel alright… this pain ,this past shall be gone… forever...)

just another day of vella...

Hey roaming around all alone could be fun, more than any time else I guess I found out today!And screaming on any useless scumbag could be… so relieving… can make you feel like in heaven!

I went for my laptop repair today at HP service centre.

Scene I

Am at the HP service centre after nearly 1 hour commute and 100 bucks light. All sweaty in noon sun, I enter the service center hall. Its AC finally and feels comfy. But its quite rush there… lots of people...

"Mam! I got this address from HP technical support and I got this problem number as issued by them. And I also called today morning confirming that ill be coming here today. So if you could please… fix my lappy…"

"is your laptop under warranty"

"no! but I told you about it and also when I registered for the complaint with HP"

"sorry sir! Then I cant help it! We only attend under warranty products"

"arre! I told you about this earlier na! even when I was registering the complaint! , why din you tell me then not to come?"

"sorry! I cant help you sir!"
(Now that set me on fire… I rarely get angry and screaming n al but this one got me… FUMING!)

"so you cant help me? Get me your manager? who is in-charge here?"

"you please sit there, ill call her in ten minutes! She is busy"(1. shitt! Again some lady- its hard to handle these ladies… you cant be in your straightforward screaming mode. 2. BUSY??? WHF??? You called me all the way from dwarka just to say "I cant help you" and now BUSY??? Does that mean am not busy...???... Of course am not busy, but that doesn matter...)

"hey! Am an idiot or what??? Coming all the way from dwarka to kirti nagar, shelling out 200 bucks (oops! 100 rs jyada) all for this…. "I cant attend" "you have to wait" , get me your madam!"
(ah that scared her, she raced to get her mam…)

Scene II

(gosh! And she is wearing this dark red lipstick and … and seemingly light-pink BLUSH too!!!... And is a stunner no doubt… what's this beauty doin in this silly service centre, I wonder???)

(plastic smile first)

"sir we cant help you!, its our policy sir, we cant attend products not under warranty"

"you can charge me extra!, moreover why didn’t you tell me this when I called earlier? In fact you people confirmed that I can come to get my lappy fixed..."

"I apologize sir, am really sorry for the inconvenience "
(oh! Even I felt sorry!... I mean pretty lady like her... and all sorry and apologetic… any stonehearted beast would melt…But this was my lappy at stake… I had to make a choice)

"oh! So u've opened this whole damned den to make people popat??? give me your name! (I wasn’t sure if asking her number would be appropriate) , ill make sure this doesn’t go unnoticed!"

"XYZ, but I surely cant help you in any case… sorry sir!"

"ok! Ill be help to you then… you may help people better after I complaint to whoever I can…"
So I bid her goodbye… leaving her red-faced, with about 15-20 people standing and staring in queue.

Its rare that you get to rant your frustrations out at such beautiful thingies… (even feels bad) lol… but guess it wasn’t just me being the jerk… they had done their bit… calling me all the way from home just to tell me that they cant attend… so I did what am good at...

Am I confused? Or am I not?

The story starts when I was in class 6th. I remember Mrs Annapurna mam, my social science teacher, telling this to my mother that even though am good at few things, I always underperform due to my confusion at understanding things.

Its been a while, and more or less I am sure that I've realized what she meant that time, and ive hardly improved ever since. Even as I write this am confused, as to what's the point writing this? Who reads my blog? And why? Does anyone care? And if I don't care about others and I don’t write for others, what's the point writing all of this? And then putting up on blog?

Confusion is something that’s so engrained in my DNA, that I donno if I really am confused all the time or its just been touch and go all this while.
Confusion to me is not the general confusion that all of us feel, say in choosing things or making a choice in general. Confusion in a far greater scope, that is when I try to make sense out of things, derive meanings or just make justify my actions.

Say…
- What am I doing engineering for?
- 1. I need to do it cause papa says so--- why should papa decide what a profession I choose?
- 2. its cool to be engineer, to be in DCE --- cool? Who r you foolin around with? Ur own self? U know what DCE really is!
- 3. to learn IT, computers… cause am interested in it.--- all am interested in is games, net, orkut, blog…
- And I feel like just junking the course, but the whole embrace of security DCE provides me and the counterpoints I have make me stay and I try.

- And things like...
- Why is good - good?, honesty, benevolence, an al the crap that u listen… whats the point following em… to help others?--- follow others dogma? What is the limit of good… and the boundary to bad… how much true and what count of lies?... What amount of patience and what quantity of resistance?

- Is smoking good? Nope? Then why have people been smoking it since time unknown, and still do? Is it dented psyche or twisted logic being presented to us?

- Should I buy a branded jeans just for the heck of it… spending papa's hard earned money or just a cheap one to show my concern for money to parents or the one that I like… no brands… just the one I like?

- Is career important or the enjoyment in doing things I like… I like to follow… I like to study… ? They say you can only succeed in things only in which u can put your heart in… but without following would I be able to learn things I need to know?

Why isnt selfish good, as Ayn rand justifies it to be?... It cant and shouldn’t be true… for people are and made to be social… and its symbiosis that we survive upon, not selfishness...

- AND WHY IS EVERYTHING SO REALTIVE? One mans logic is other mans stupidity? Why are the limits of good, justifiable and judicious different for different people, and even if they are, why am I not sure about mine?
Every thing I do, every decision I make, this thing craps my mind completely.
I feel I cant fully justify even a single decision I make or take.

I feel ashamed… as to why isn't things as they are for me. I donno why I cant justify me to my own self.
I donno what others think or tell or do… I don’t care, yet why am I not oblivious to everything that others tell, see and do?
Why am a slave of my psyche than my logic?
Why is it all so relative.


I feel ashamed that I donno what I am to do? And still live with it everyday...
The gross indecisiveness is complete paranoia.

Most of the times am in control of it, but sometimes its these fits of madness and am complete blank, and naked and shamelessly standing a loser in front of my own logic of judgments and choices I've made , I feel sheer shame… shame and all shame.

The call

During the training at Jaipur , we, the group c with theory classes between 6pm to 830pm had our lab practice hours from 10 pm to 2am night. Initially we were so enthused by the whole linux stuff that we went all grumpy to get it extended and now the people of group c could share the lab with girls in the morning (since girls couldn’t come at night 10-2 session they had been allotted special morning time 6am-830am for practice). Lol and that was cool!

But excitement lasted only a few days since we, specially myself, found it herculean to sleep at 2am and then again wake up at 5:30 for lab practice. (Nigam, the topper was always on top here too! Waking up all by himself by 5am or so… I donno exactly … cause by the time I was having a grandiose wake up from bed… he was all bathed and ready … and STUDYING!!!, of course!).

It was usually the case that we got late, as neither me nor ap could wake up that early.( for ap, the reason being that he had some really important calls from foreign lands (read as gf) to attend late night).

One fine morning…

Time 5:30 am, its all dark outside… a typical day when you throw your screaming alarm clock and go to sleep again.

Like other days, we all were sound asleep.

Haa -aa -aa -- oo -- aahh…--oo --aaaaahhhh (now that’s how my phone rings- actually its an opera singer screaming ringtone)

WTF???

itni subah kaun... beep... beep... beep... kar raha hai ??? ............. Itni subah???........jisne bhi kiya hai uska dimaag kharab hai???.... beep beep beep !!!!

Nigam woke up.. Looked at me like "????" (he has this peculiar look when I throw in some typical hostellers-special expletives... But its funny!)

All sleepy, clearing the eye mud… I noticed... Aastha calling???

(there were also missed calls from Swati and Ankita)

This early???

What? What could be so urgent?

Was I in some mortal danger?

A problem? Something serious?

Certainly it had to be something really serious, otherwise why else… aastha… this early….

(thousand ominous theories crossed my mind as I picked up…)

Aastha : Hello! Abhishek go to Ap's room immediately!

Me : why? Kya hua?

Aastha: arre don ask questions, no time for it, go fast! Its urgent!

(what? What happened to ap? Was he in danger? How could myself living next room not know what was happening to Ap while aastha n al can find it from girls hostel…)

Me: ok baba! Going! Going! Hold!

Aastha: Yes! Go fast!

Me: yup! Am there… ap is fine… sound asleep (I was relieved).. No-problemo with him!

Aastha: arre stupid! Its not about Ap! What about him roomie?

Me: WTF??? ROOMIE???... ROOMIE???

Aastha: Ya! Wake him up!

Me: WHAT??? Wake him up??? For what??? He is sound asleep!!!

Aastha: do as told! And do it fast!

(this must be really serious! I thought, may be Ap's roomie has taken some serious panga's with aastha… poor him…and so I woke him up)

Me: haan! Utha diya! Ab bol!

Aastha: Now ask him where RAMASHANKER is???

(oh! I thought, So he was the real culprit!... But who was he??? What had he done to earn aastha's wrath???... A GUNs and BINs part II ???)

Me: Peyush sorry yaar! Par plz bata ye ramashanker kahan milega??? Uska room et al???

Peyush: I donno him (all mud eyed and sleepy)

Me: He says I donno him!

Aastha: He's lying! He's lying! Asking him to tell where he is!!!

(oh! So this sounds like a conspiracy! Piyush conspiring with Mr. Ramashanker… taking panga's with aastha… lol aah! Trouble for the chap!)

Me: yaar he is adamant! He doesn’t know anything he says….

(ha! pretending to be innocent!, I thought... I know he has done something silly with you ppl… Aastha don worry, am all help ,for you ppl)

Aastha: accha! Koi ni! No probs…

Me: KYA??? (WTF???) NO PROBS??? Kyun??? Why did you call for Ramashanker exactly??? Who is he???

Aastha: Nothing ! Actually sir had called him for the morning classes also… so we were just checking if you people know him…. And may be we can inform him that it would be better if he comes… he is in our group 50….

Me: "!@#$%^&*()_" - that’s how my face was like after all that tense 5 minutes… I was completely shaken… had woke up nigam, ap and his unfortunate roomie… thought about all the doom universe can throw in at me and others…. All for this no one-for no reason and a total non-issue called RAMASHANKER ???

Lesson learnt: I never kept my phone switched on at night thereafter… even alarms were in switch off mode... who knows… aastha may call any time… better safe than sorry!

not just ordinary...

"All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away… " - Fuel in their song shimmer

But some memories live. Gleam and never fade. For memories, like ideas are never created with a premonition , or a plan to make them last… they just happen, and may be they are meant to be so.

Its been nearly 3 weeks since I've been back from Jaipur networking training. It was an experience out of ordinary. Spending 25 days away from home, in an out of town college with friends and eating, living, spending time together, working together and being there for each other… cant be ordinary. Of innumerable memories that have been made on the trip, I guess a few certainly stand out, and one such evening will be something I will remember for quite some time...

Task number 4.

It was meant to be a bonus group task of 30 marks. Bamboo (the nettech lingo for test). We had failed in all our previous three attempts at group tasks. (both me, nigam , ap in group 40 and aastha, Swati, ankita, vartika n jyoti in group 50)(lol. I remember the group numbers… see!) and were desperate for success. The task as other previous ones wasn't that easy, yet not that hard, bit time consuming and required some bit of mind but quite a bit of coordination and some good piece of luck.

Luckily this time (group 40) we made it, yet to everybody's (me-nig-ap's) surprise Aastha-Swati (group-50) weren't that lucky. May be they missed out on their coordination part (Guns and Bins factor [;)]). Since it was our and one other group's first successful task and that too after three consecutive failures, atmosphere was all filled with our victory jig's and winner salutes, after we did it . The din was stopped soon as papers of previous day's theory test were to be distributed.

It started and Rajiv (the guy who checked papers) started with his daily dose of funda's:

Rajiv : Jin logon ne cheat kara hai unka paper rakh liya jayega, and will be asked how they answered… ya to fir 0 de denge!

(Oh! Same ol dialogue everyday!, I thought)

Then papers started to get distributed…

1 min up : I din get my paper.

2 min up : I din get my paper. Ap got his paper… (4 marks I guess- hard luck for him this time due to a cheeky question)

3 min up: I still haven't got my paper. Even Nigam (topper again! 6 marks!) has got his paper… in fact nearly all of the people, voila! WTF??? Where is mine??? Was my paper withheld for cheating… oh no! f^^^!

I did stared at Nigam's paper last time, but I din cheat! No!

Just as my heart beats were racing a grand prix I saw Santu sir calling me in hushed tone.

F^^^! Yaar I didn’t cheat! Was I going to be disgraced publicly?

Should I run?

Is hiding an option?

And just when I was coming to him I saw him pointing towards something… and saying , "go comfort your friends!".

I looked that side and voila!

That really shook me at first sight! Aastha, Vartika and even Swati were getting bit senti.( Not for the marks but cause they didn’t make it in the bonus task.) Now handling moist eyed girls is something definitely out of my league… I tried my best comforting them, with whatever third grade comforting dialogues I could manage… it was just a test... You are winner... an stuff…

As expected they were hardly comforted, time to get help! AP! NIGAM!

Ap and nigam are surely heroes at the time of peril, they came in and eased things quite a bit.

Nigam's camera got some good clicks too, lol.

And yes I did get my paper back, the last paper to be distributed was mine… score was good!

With so much tension about the test and what followed, class was suspended that evening by Santu sir.

And the five of us (me, nig, ap, asta, swat) just lay languid in the lawns of JMIT for the next 2 hours or so… discussing things far from what we usually break our heads on… lol

Seems funny that "we" were discussing the life ahead, things like marriage, honeymoon(that wasn’t me! And neither was it Nigam nor Ap nor Swati),children… Paris... and more…

That sunset, the lawn, the silly jokes, the effort in keeping the mood light for Aastha and Swati…. the company of friends, that tacit bond of support that we anchored for each other… everything! As I try to recollect , there's certainly something magical… I mean I can remember it so vividly, something like in slow motion…

Was it ordinary?

I guess it wasn’t…

Before sunset

Before sunset (a sequel of "before sunrise") happens to be among my favorite romantic movies, in fact second most romantic after "before sunrise ". The movie (Before sunrise) is about two characters, the male (played by Ethan Hawke) on a trip to visit his friend in Europe from America and the girl (Julie Delpy) ,French , on a trip to Warsaw to meet her grand mother. They meet up on a train and decide to spend one night together roaming Vienna as they happen to pass it. Its all about how they spend their night talking and roaming the city. Simple , natural and no make up… literally!

In "Before sunset " the two characters again meet up after 9 years after they had met up at Vienna for one night , in France, and catch up for an evening. Its all talking and nothin else in this movie again, but the whole thing is so very touching an realistic n al. its charming in its own strange way. And the best part is that the characters accept and cling on to that strange yet tacit bond of agreement that they not attached to each other by any means… that is they don need to exchange phone numbers… call up or any sort of thing that kind'a adds up to a typical story (stuff u no…) and yet they have great camaraderie so they can always have a great time when they meet up without worrying about other things.

May be I relate to this movie in my strange way..
I have this school friend of mine. She's all vivacious, bubbly, tomboyish and silky! [;)]. We happen to meet up every once a while or so and have a good time, exchange notes as to what's happening in each others lives and just having a good time. Sometimes roaming around in CP or may be on mall hopping spree at rajouri… et al. The thing that keeps the whole business exciting and well what you call it, rainbow!, is that we rarely ever talk on phone, hardly message or any sort of communication. And hence every time we meet up there's something new to share, some worries to be discussed, some problem to be solved and some really carefree time to be spent. Its these one off meeting once a while is something I really look forward to… and reflecting more on it, I just feel that it is these small moments of carefree neglect is what makes the whole life interesting and every second day... liveable...

And yes, every time we do a catching up.. She or either me has some really urgent thing to be attended so its always kinda… milte he.. "yaar! Aaj bahut kaam hai… need to go early, Before sunset!"

Sure! Before sunset…

Phat lee hai bhai!.. Buree waali…

After a second unsuccessful attempt at grabbing the morning tatkal quota rajdhani ticket (takes 40 hours to delhi) am all left with bramhaputra mail ac third class… flights are expensive and out of question...(one positive- I saved 1000 cool bucks for 12 hours extra at train... That means a new creative inspire is on the cards now)That also means… 52 hours again on a train... Maa bachao!Ab kabhi vaapas bina reservations ke nahi aunga, assam…
Phat lee hai bhai!
Hope to pack up loads of khaane ka samaan and junk books. Still its surely gonna be a challenge.

A qualitative study of below mark bakchodi in college.

(this is my damn intelligent ala bright cum tubelight mind at its bakchod best - my thrd grade attemp at humour)

After 2 years at college, half an engineer… I donno. But I certainly am a specialist in the art called "bakchodi" now.

Still a few challenges, roadblocks exist… a few major ones, I've tried to list here...

1. The act of doing assignments.

Doin this certainly takes the top slot when it comes to below mark bakchodi. I mean, there can be nothin more disgusting than doin this. Its total bakchod time waste, filling up those endless a4 sheets + jugaad in arranging for the proper set of master copies + getting a4 sheets itself + finding prof. ka room + submission… shitt man! It freakin sucks!

2. The whole concept of attending any electronics related lab.

Being an IT guy, the whole idea of doing an electronics lab prac, seems like friggin - nuts. The whole bakchod stunt could've been avg. , had the lab apparatus been working. But with the total dysfunctional lab apparatus + clueless lab ass, its certified below mark bakchodi.

3. Getting that admit card made / paying college fees.

That f^^^ed up piece of paper, may it rot in hell, makes my life hell here in college. Ok! It does not totally qualify as a bakchodi in itself, as it is something that needs to be done, no matter what. But WTF??? Standing in that endless queue, first to get that pinky slip and then again to get it stamped…Same applies to the whole circus of paying up the college fees every year.The whole act of doing this is nothin but a makeshift seasonal bakchod session created by the monkeys sitting in various branches of admin.

4. Organizing fests

With all reverence to IEEE (my preferred bakchodi club) where I found many of my bakchod friends… organizing fests, am ashamed to say (after 2 years of experience), is also a certified below mark bakchodi **IF** you are not doin any worthwhile stuff. What the jhandu f^^^ is the whole business of getting the posters pasted on every wall , every notice board, be it in hostel or acad blocks (or) just sitting through the endless meetings, while you can easily enjoy some quality bakchodi of being vella at mech.

5. Studying before exam season

How the f^^^ do they attempt at that? Many do!Let alone the ghissu day skee janta, some hostellers also shamelessly commit such acts of gross indecency. The fact that they understand that its a below mark bakchodi even aggravates the situation and leads us to worry as to what has happened to the whole bakchod fabric of our hostel crowd???

P.S. : Does this count as a research paper?

...

What happens when all your love, that care, for things, for "ppl"… you may never have, never get... is going wasted …. Going Nowhere…

It keeps accumulating inside… rots and boils in the angst of ones frustrations… and then flows out sometimes in ways of writings, and screams and silences and in ways that are undistinguishable from my ways of life… the whole thing becomes a part of you. A sore that hurts all the time and the most when you are happy, nay, when you think you are supposed to be happy… and in midst of it all those seemingly happy situations you find yourself lacking... Hollow, something within is completely at loss… unfulfilled, unsatisfied… You seek solitude, loneliness and... and ways to hurt yourself, firstly, mentally and then you do it physically... to belittle the pain that’s already there… pain and more pain… pathos all around...Its bad and life is empty and sorrowful in all the ways….

Time heals they say… it aint workin...

52 hours. (Day "!!" (contd..))

Day "!!" (contd..)
I woke up the next day, 5 am sharp (gosh! I wake only by 11:30 at home)…strolled a bit in the coach... since it was so early I slept again… woke up at 7… fir bhi blanket mein masti thee.. So I slept again…After much prodding from within I finally woke up sharp as per routine at 9.
Getting fresh on train as usual is always an adventure without choice. (instant hero vala formula- use train washrooms)

Back to seat I gobbled up the last bites of the "ghar ka nashta" for journey. Then a packet of biscuits. Then some coffee. Then a bit of bananas. And I couldn’t resist the samosas that came afterwards, so I had them too. (man! I feel hungry on train) The background of Manipuri/chinese/english chatter of Manipuri madams continued as usual while uncle ji and aunty ji lazily brooded observing the sights outside.Train was crossing Bengal, Siliguri station had just passed.

Just as everything seemed usual and boring what started was a little game of sorts by aunty ji which off lately every one of us started to play.Sample:

A vendor selling toys, chains, paper soap and sort of stuff crosses by..

Aunty ji: hey how much is that little toy car worth?
v: 225 bucks.
Aunty ji: can you give 3 of those for 25 bucks??? (Now that’s crazy!!!)
v: lena hai to bolo… subah ka time barbad mat karo (!@#$%^&)


Vendor number 2 (this time one is selling hand fans- imagine that scene, in an AC coach… lol)
This time its sumitra (chinki miss)

Sumitra: how much? Those fans… pink colour???
v: 20 bucks for one. Which design???
Sumitra: can you give 6 of those for 20??? (there goes again…)
v: madam! Plz be reasonable.
Sumitra: dega to do, nai to jaega (in her thickly accented manipuri hindi)


Vendor 3 - my turn (a smirk crossed my face, just as it started… all companions- manipuri mam's and uncle and aunty ji take notice)

(take notice I drop a bombshell here)
v: keychains! Keychains!
Me: haan bhaiya… kya rate hai???
v: 10 ka ek.
Me: (I take a deep breath and) ye pura stock( nearly 1000 keychains) de do… 100 mein…
All fellow passengers break in to laughter…
v: vendor moves on (of course muttering !@#$% under his breath)

Now that’s one fine way to get abused… lol

The climax
It was afternoon that I realized that uncle ji and aunty ji were destined only till Guwahati (12 hours before I get down)… and then soon I realize that the whole coach is full of tatkal reservations that have reservation only till Guwahati (including Manipuri mam's). That meant I had to spent the rest of my journey after 4 pm till next day morning 4am… in a near empty coach… I discovered a cold sweat at the nape of my neck. Even to a jerk like me, its scary!
Evening came early. And soon Guwahati arrived… Manipuri madam's gave me a sweet goodbye with "best of luck for jouney ahead!"… and that was kinda cool! … makes you think that its gr8 travelling on trains, making friends… no strings to meet up again… but a strange bond of mutual support and security, while in it .. That’s it!

The rest of journey
All alone then on.. I really felt all alone… only ,say, 15 ppl in the coach with a capacity for 72 ppl (that’s scary). My phone had already stopped working (Delhi phones don work in Assam). I brooded on and on and on as I "felt" the sun set on the horizon… the whole of my compartment was empty…But I could still hear chinki chatter, uncle ji's phone ringtone… and may be ,mom, dad, nigam, ap, aastha, swati,.. kanika, DCE , delhi and more. It was all coming back, flashes of memory, sparks, I don remember much but something really magical was happening…. To me, with me or in me… am not sure on that. BUT it WAS!. I was thinking of people I loved, I cherished and I realized that life hasn’t been that bad to me till now. And I loved them for what they were to me. They say am the biggest coward afraid of death in my friend circle, but that moment, I felt that if something were to happen to the train, to me,… I was ready! Ready for anything!

I din have appetite for dinner so I went to sleep early. But somehow I wasn’t able to sleep. From thoughts about the cherished memories, it moved to the ones I don’t ever want to be in. From the thoughts about that morning of april 24… when I lost it all… to things I cant even give hints for… all were coming back to me. Lately by 12 or so I managed to grab a nap.
Day "!!!"3Am: hardly a time to wake up… but "mazboori ka naam mahatma gandhi hai"… I woke up. Train was scheduled for 4:30 am to Tinsukia junction.The sight of Assam and the beauty that of the land in early morning… it will be something ill remember for a long time to come. It was raining! And it was all lush green! Amazing!

Train reached the juction… my adventure was success.

The fact that I pulled it off, shall remain in my memories for quite some time.
Am sure of that.

Sign off.

52Hours (part 2)

Day "!" (cotd…)
Starting as a side actor in kung-fu movie starring three Charlie's angels (Uncle -Aunty ji included) it went on to become quite character in our comedy of sorts.

Dhamaka : after the early afternoon brunch at a nondescript station (courtesy: train ka ultimate bakwas pantry car ka khaana), it was all peaceful in our compartment. Chinki chatter had slowly died down and siesta was mood for an hour… just in the midst of it all...
"ARRE HAT JAA TAAU PACCHE NE NACHN DE JEE BHAR KE NE…."- came the blaring haryanvi ring tone from uncle ji's ultimate loudspeaker vaala phone… well that was quite a scene and people who could hear it were all in splits…

Uncle ji then started the tale of his Jat ancestry and all about GR8 Punjab and Haryana with makke di roti and sarso da saag…to none other that our enchanted Manipuri madams (on punjab I had already got my quota full of "dealings" from none other than maneet)…What followed was zzz.zz..zz..zzzz….

The afternoon proved much better, I finally caught up with Uncle ji and aunty ji and successfully stuck up conversations with our manipuri madams …( they were returning from their counseling in agricultural science MSc admissions )… and even tried to explain that there existed a good engineering college called DCE in delhi… the train journey seemed GR8 now. [:)]
With nothing much to do at 4 pm I climbed up to the tranquility and peace of upper birth and watched the movie , little miss sunshine (recommended by Nigam) which eventually proved to be quite commendable.(hey that’s the first movie ever that I watched on train !!!)

Circa 7:30 PM: back to ground zero… we were passing the Haloed portals of my ancestral lands of Bihar…( where you could be mugged or duped at the drop of a hat ) I started to experiment with all the local chaivala… to jhaal-murhi vaala to our sweat meat seller had on offer…Time passed as fast as the train itself as I observed, constantly jerking on my seat, one of the most beautiful sunset across a landscape of lush green fields..
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I REALIZED, THE TRIP WAS WORTH IT.

Night : the cooling of ac was comfortable but a sort of irk was growing in… I needed fresh air… the constant jerking of train was also getting a bit on my head. I sat out nearly for an hour at the gate of the train after dinner (mind it: ITS really dangerous to do that… sitting on the steps facing that gushing wind on your face… always realizing that one miscalculation, a slip of hand and its all up… but it has a sort of strange adrenaline rush attached to it… its fun in ways.) I came back and slept, I was missing home...

52 Hours.

It’s a sojourn that I knew for sure from the start, ill remember for many years to come… 52hours on a train…all alone... Man! it aint that easy as it seems. ( But for sure as I write it, it aint that bad either). Journey started late at 9pm on 8th July. Leaving home all alone and understanding the scope of this journey it wasn’t that hard in the start to cope up, for I wasn’t thinking much about it or may be a constant thought about the journey beforehand had already made me impervious to the fear concerning it.The adventure begins 11:00 pm: I had found my seat(39) and coach number(B3) of Brahmaputra mail at old Delhi railway station (I wonder why they still refer to the station as simply "Delhi", creates a lot of confusion given the number of stations already present in Delhi).The coach was near empty when I had boarded it. Having reached early I got down at station and was strolling about… thinking about buying a lays chips (and that reminds me of all the hell lot of chips I had on my Jaipur trip , for I don like having chips that much)… or may be drinking some coke ... a guilty pang just pinched me as I thought about trying out a cigarette (they say it makes you cope better with fear). Strolling I noticed the reservation chart as it was carelessly pasted on one of the gates

39 - abhishek kumar - M21 - blaw blaw blaw

40 -Laxmi devi- F20 - blaw blaw blaw

41 -Sumitra - F21 - blaw blaw blaw

42 -Sheela -F 21 - blaw blaw blaw

43 - I donno - F43 - blaw blaw blaw

44 - I donno - M46 - blaw blaw blaw

45 - I donno - M29 - blaw blaw blaw

(looks cool I thought, mom dad with three kiddo sis's - just the playful lot I needed on this long journey[;)] )

But once uncle ji and aunty ji took their seats… I realized the kids weren't anywhere in sight!My god! I nearly rose to ask if they were lost… lol… 5 long minutes later, of lately three northeast (Manipuri) gals arrived ,two supposedly with their boyfriends and my chance ended before it started…The initial glances by all my fellow "inmates" and some "b-friends" were so accusing, I felt like lonely lost pariah in midst of nowhere without food and shelter. Chalo! It wasn’t that bad, I thought, at least they weren't the "wholesome troublesome pack" of doting moms n dads with their below 5 year cry babies...

Summary of night 1 : cool comfy… AC set to perfect cooling conditions…. the constantly jerking seat felt like a swing… my side lower seat had a clear view outside… things seemed perfect as far as amenities were concerned.

DAY "!" : My god! Laxmi is heavy… that thin fair petite "Lucy liu belle" , she stepped on my ankle while getting down from her upper berth seat , and I was jolted out of my sleep. What followed was a rush of sorry's, of course even I said sorry… (why the f^^^ did I say sorry???, it was her god-dam mistake!!!... Miserable god-darn gentleman "me")

Getting fresh on train can be a real mess (as it was for me)… but that’s one part am not going to write about (consider that censored - )

What followed throughout the day was a constant chinese-manipuri-english mix chatter… felt like I was starring in one of those run of the mill Chinese kung-fu flicks… of course as a side actor with no dialogues…

(thats it for today... if you managed to read it till now... aur jyada velle ho aur life mein aur koi kaam nahi hai to kal fir blog update check karna...)

Writing for the sake of writing…. Or more???

Writing for the sake of writing… or more??? It’s the same question that I ask myself as sit down tonight in my little "cubicle". I donno and may be I don really need to. It hardy matters that I write something, lest I understand the whole purpose of the urge that makes me sit down and attempt to capture those fleeting instants in the delirium of my banalities. Writing for the heck of it is just another way of reflecting on your thoughts… a mirror on the wall… it shows you what you think. Truth. (lest you start to hide beneath layers of make-up-made-up thoughts )
Reflections on JAIPUR tour.
A single sentence that may surmise it all Lots of things that I learnt that I need to learn.
It really is a discovery when you find that all the people that live around you have something to show you… things you do, but they do it better… and you always thought that you were good at it. And most of the times they do it as simply as any one would do it… but still they do it better...

Few things… many things…( alphabetical order )

Aastha

Fearless.Of all the idiosyncrasies that she is possessed with, she happens to be one person who has most to teach.Flagrant zeal to question… amazing! A sense of style and sophistication that she carries creates an aura… captivates attention… and she is natural at it… {no circus stuff (usually)}.

Ap

Quite.Its peace that you learn. To say nothing and do everything.

Jyoti

Humble.After the final nettech exam while I was taking a roller coaster ride on my oblivion in rankings, there she was, roaming around, as clueless as ant. And what had she scored??? 355/450 (highest among us DCEites). That’s humble!

Prateek

Spirited.He is like that little rat who keeps on doing something… always busy. I mean, once he is on for something, its just a feast to watch him do it. Day in and day out he keeps poking around that thing, an untiring natural "effortless" effort. Those initial lab days at nettech, working with him, will always inspire me in days to come.

Swati

Affable.God! She is the most affable creature on planet earth. I mean its hard to find a person interested in someone else's business … but this girl seems to be on a mission to help/understand everyone of them.

GEM.