The story starts when I was in class 6th. I remember Mrs Annapurna mam, my social science teacher, telling this to my mother that even though am good at few things, I always underperform due to my confusion at understanding things.
Its been a while, and more or less I am sure that I've realized what she meant that time, and ive hardly improved ever since. Even as I write this am confused, as to what's the point writing this? Who reads my blog? And why? Does anyone care? And if I don't care about others and I don’t write for others, what's the point writing all of this? And then putting up on blog?
Confusion is something that’s so engrained in my DNA, that I donno if I really am confused all the time or its just been touch and go all this while.
Confusion to me is not the general confusion that all of us feel, say in choosing things or making a choice in general. Confusion in a far greater scope, that is when I try to make sense out of things, derive meanings or just make justify my actions.
Say…
- What am I doing engineering for?
- 1. I need to do it cause papa says so--- why should papa decide what a profession I choose?
- 2. its cool to be engineer, to be in DCE --- cool? Who r you foolin around with? Ur own self? U know what DCE really is!
- 3. to learn IT, computers… cause am interested in it.--- all am interested in is games, net, orkut, blog…
- And I feel like just junking the course, but the whole embrace of security DCE provides me and the counterpoints I have make me stay and I try.
- And things like...
- Why is good - good?, honesty, benevolence, an al the crap that u listen… whats the point following em… to help others?--- follow others dogma? What is the limit of good… and the boundary to bad… how much true and what count of lies?... What amount of patience and what quantity of resistance?
- Is smoking good? Nope? Then why have people been smoking it since time unknown, and still do? Is it dented psyche or twisted logic being presented to us?
- Should I buy a branded jeans just for the heck of it… spending papa's hard earned money or just a cheap one to show my concern for money to parents or the one that I like… no brands… just the one I like?
- Is career important or the enjoyment in doing things I like… I like to follow… I like to study… ? They say you can only succeed in things only in which u can put your heart in… but without following would I be able to learn things I need to know?
Why isnt selfish good, as Ayn rand justifies it to be?... It cant and shouldn’t be true… for people are and made to be social… and its symbiosis that we survive upon, not selfishness...
- AND WHY IS EVERYTHING SO REALTIVE? One mans logic is other mans stupidity? Why are the limits of good, justifiable and judicious different for different people, and even if they are, why am I not sure about mine?
Every thing I do, every decision I make, this thing craps my mind completely.
I feel I cant fully justify even a single decision I make or take.
I feel ashamed… as to why isn't things as they are for me. I donno why I cant justify me to my own self.
I donno what others think or tell or do… I don’t care, yet why am I not oblivious to everything that others tell, see and do?
Why am a slave of my psyche than my logic?
Why is it all so relative.
I feel ashamed that I donno what I am to do? And still live with it everyday...
The gross indecisiveness is complete paranoia.
Most of the times am in control of it, but sometimes its these fits of madness and am complete blank, and naked and shamelessly standing a loser in front of my own logic of judgments and choices I've made , I feel sheer shame… shame and all shame.
No comments:
Post a Comment